Mindset

Needy People

Needy people stand out from the crowd. The bigger the void, the harder they search for someone to fulfill it.

Needy of love.
Needy of affection.

They are looking for someone who would relieve their anxieties and comfort them. Someone who would put all ducks in order and make them feel in control. Someone who would understand them better than they themselves do and make sense of their own feelings.

Many grown-ups are kids who want to be parented. Girls are looking for fathers. Boys for mamas.

There are many upset kids playing the role of an adult. They were hurt by mama or papa, a long time ago. Time has passed and even after they moved out of their parents’ nests, they have never left their parents.

I will generalize.

If you had, or at least you think you had, a good childhood and enjoyed a good relationship with your parents, then you will seek someone who would match your parents’ profile. It makes sense. We were nicely treated, so we would find the same, familiar relationship model. A woman would search for a father substitute and a man would search for someone who reminds him of his mother. 

Scenario number two also involves seeking a parent figure, however for a different reason. The reason is to take revenge. Those boys who were raised by less than affectionate mothers grow up needy off love. As children, they were deprived of physical touch and mothers’ affection. They learned to work for love. Love for them is something to “deserve”. They believe that they cannot be loved just as they are. They have never felt unconditional love. There is this army of little boys in adult meat suits. They achieve, accomplish, and impress. They all have a six-pack, a sleeve tattoo and perhaps a beard. They spend incredible amounts of money on cars, trucks, boats and all kinds of status-accesorries. “Look at me! I deserve to be loved!”. They haven’t gotten to the root cause of their need to be seen and loved. These are boys, who haven’t grown up to be men, and still, strive to deserve their mother’s love and approval. You are seeking in the wrong place, Amigo.

If a person tries very hard to make an impression – that’s a sign of unresolved issues. 
If he is looking for love so hard, then he has very little of his own.

As humans, our purpose in life to learn and evolve. No matter what plans for life you have, life will teach you a few lessons. Life will push you to grow, and you will misinterpret liberation opportunities for “problems”. That’s classic. So, these boys are crowding bars and nightclubs in search of women who would help them resolve their boy-issues and grow to be a man. This woman will most likely match the profile of the one who hurt him the most and toward whom he holds a grudge. He will keep finding the same woman with different faces until he manages to resolve and heal.

He finds “the one”.
He demands her affection and love, however, he can never accept it. He is needy.
No matter how much she gives him, it would never be enough.
He would punish her for not loving him enough.
He must forgive.
He will open the wound. 
He will grieve. Big time…
He will heal.

He will know that he resolved the issue and healed when he meets a totally different person. Unlike any other relationships that he had before.

He must find love within. He must accept himself as is. 

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The Critic. The Fear Of Feelings

I am so sick and tired of this bitch-voice inside my head. The Critic.

I went into a meditation on a quest to get to know my critic. Why do you make me feel so bad? There must be a legitimate reason. Indeed, I saw myself as a teenager. The state I am currently in is the same as 15 years ago. No energy. Depression. Apathy. I saw myself laying on my bed, in my mom’s apartment and staying into the ceiling. I was living for the weekends when I would get drunk and fall into oblivion. Time spent with my friends – was the only thing that I was looking for. I was hating my reflection in the mirror. I was being afraid of criticism. I was being afraid to be left alone.

And now, the critic kept pounding.
It told me how hopeless my situation was.
It told me that there were no solutions to my miserable existence.

As a teenager, I remember thinking of suicide. I remember waking up in the morning and regretting that I did. I was feeling drained. No desire to do anything. I was always tired and could sleep for the entire day. The thought of never waking up felt like a relief. I was searching for an escape in my dreams. I was never smart enough. I was always fat in my own eyes. I was never enough. Never.

From time to time, I would accumulate enough energy for random acts of bravery to start a new good habit, start a business or leave a draining relationship. Somehow I found enough energy to escape to the USA. That was a miracle. Really.

With my Critic on my shoulders, I managed to go through many difficult things in life. It disregards it all. The Critic keeps telling me how worthless I am. How dum, weak, unskilled, fat I am. Despite all the great things I’ve accomplished – I am no good. A burden to this World.

My life goes by and I continue carrying this Bitch on my shoulders. It talks to me in the most defeating ways. It makes me believe that he is Me. It shames and manipulates me. It is abusive and violent. God, set me free from him. 

My life passes and I remain afraid. I won’t stick up for myself and fight back. I am afraid to make things worse. I forget that the voice in my head is not me. No matter what I do in life – it will never stop abusing me.

How different my life would be, without self-defeating thoughts?
How different my life would be, without constant self-criticism?

I claim my life energy back. I refuse to give it away. I have my life to live and I want to live it as a free man. Dear God, free me from this energy-sucking, abusive creature. It does not belong to me. I am different. Transform the Critic into a helper, even though he thinks that he is helping me. He does not.

The Critic takes my energy away.
The Critic makes me feel hopeless.
The Critic blocks me from feeling and living. 

He blocks me from many life experiences and great things. He won’t allow me to dream freely. He won’t allow me to open myself up. He is afraid that if let me take full responsibility for my life and ask for great experiences — they might happen. He is afraid of me becoming great. He is afraid of great success. I also know that the Critic has the best intentions for me. He wants me safe. He protects me from feeling too much. He won’t allow me to see who I could become. He keeps me feeling worthless and miserable, so I never get disappointed. He won’t let the energy flow through me, so I don’t do anything risky. 

What has happened in the past that made disappointment so intolerable? I want to know. What would happen if I gave myself permission to dream and feel deeply? I want to be completely free, at least in my dreams. What would happen if I let myself drop my guard and open up to the World. Scary. Risky. Dangerous. Life-threatening. 

Inside myself, the Inner Critic is a guard. It protects a part of me that is so scared to feel, that it would give up any chance of success out of fear of pain. It would numb itself, so it doesn’t feel anything. Deeply inside, I am so afraid to feel…

I COULD be that guy that I dreamed of becoming.
I COULD be in the top ten Ironman finishers. That’s the fact.
I COULD have an awesome, well-paying job. That’s the fact.
I COULD be in a loving relationship with beautiful and amazing women.
I COULD be living the life of my own design, BUT I choose to believe otherwise.

The Bitch voice blends with mine, making me think that it is me and it sucks all the life out of me. 

Free me up from self-limiting beliefs.
Free me up from self-criticism and self-sabotage.
Remove the blockages that prevent me from feeling, dreaming and living to the fullest.
Remove the fear that I have against living life without limits.

I want to be free. At least in my dreams and desires. Let me fly above the ceiling of my mind.

The Bitch is afraid of the feelings.

It took away my hope. 
It won’t allow me to dream. 
It took away and blocked my energy. 
It kept beating me down until I submit to it and fall into a state of depression.
Don’t have dreams. It is safer that way. Don’t hope for anything. Nothing can really hurt you when you are hopeless. Depression is a defence against feelings. It explains why highly sensitive people are more prone to suffer from depression.

As I write this, I want the Bitch know that whatever comes in my life – I can handle it. I have tools and wisdom to handle my own emotions and feelings. I am no longer a little boy. My purpose in life is to experience, learn and feel a wide variety of emotions. I want to amaze myself. I want to enjoy myself. I want to flow.

Let me take full responsibility and write my life’s script. It will be an unbelievable story.
It will have ups and downs, turns and twists. I will go through incredible experiences, feelings and emotions. I need the protective part of me to release its blocks and allow me to feel. I need the Bitch to stop blocking me from hope. I need its cooperation. Let me feel deeply. Let me live fully. And even if none of my dreams become real – I still want to try.

I can handle failure.
I can handle great success.
I can handle love.

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I STOPPED GOING TO THE MOVIES

This essay was born on an evening hike with Blake.

Wasn’t planning to go. Felt down. Blake found his leash and brought it to me in his mouth. It was so cute, that I could not refuse. I dictated my thoughts to Siri, as I walked through the forest.

I stopped watching movies. Instead, I watch the movie of my mind. It’s free. All I need is to close my eyes. And watch what it does. Backflips, carrots, Saltos. We fly back into the past, and project into the future. Sometimes I see myself from the above. Sometimes I find a hidden treasure – something that was always there but I never noticed before. Sometimes it repeats itself, but other times it impresses me with its creativity. No movie can compete with my own mind. Perhaps in future, we would have the capability to project on the outside, what happens inside our minds in real-time. That would be a hell of a movie. Only a few, mature individuals would agree to hit the share button. It takes courage to reveal what’s inside.  Perhaps a meta-verse is in our heads. Our imagination. The World we create in our head IS the parallel reality. In it, we can be anyone and do anything, but more often than not we choose to be miserable. Not by choice, perhaps our story determines what kind of world we create. You cannot create something beautiful out of something ugly. Once you become self-aware and conscious, you take the front seat in your life’s movie. Not only visual and audio but all sensory capabilities of your body are up to your disposal. Your consciousness is being fed all the sensory data in real-time, with zero latency or delay. Just hold on to your seat and try not to sh*t yourself when an action scene comes on the screen. Also, not to mention, you can not leave the auditorium. Correction. Eventually, you will, but that’s not fun either. You won’t go home. You’re going to be 5 feet below the ground when the movie ends. How is that for an attraction? The ultimate experience. 

I wish I never lose this prism. I wish I never fall asleep and go back to associating myself with my thoughts, reactions and feelings. I wish to maintain this frame of mind until the end of the show. 

Spirituality is a lifestyle. It enhances and expands life. Once you saw, you cannot unseen. At best, you could pretend to play the game that everybody plays. In fact, that’s a very wise choice, I think. You don’t even need a spiritual partner. Someone cute, who triggers and challenges you will work just fine. He or she will add to your experience. It is foolish to engage in abusive and non-living a relationship. Of course, you should not choose suffering, when it can be avoided. What I’m saying is that when you are conscious and aware – even suffering can provide you with a sensory experience worth living. We could participate in choosing a storyline of our lives, however, to a minimum degree. Expanding our influence requires taking a director’s seat. That means responsibility. The responsibility of God is incompatible with inner criticism and shame. Such responsibility can become an impossible burden for an unprepared and polluted person. Once responsibility is reassigned, magic things start happening. At first, if you notice, it could blow your mind. It scares and many people choose to retract back into their known way of living. No judgment. Responsibility is a heavy burden for an unprepared person. Once you are up to speed and learned some basics of movie-making, you can enhance the experience by increasing your sensitivity. To live is to feel. The wider your sensory range, the greater the experience. The more you feel – the richer your life is. You stop numbing yourself with food, drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, and obsessions. You commit that no matter what comes next, you will handle it on your own, without running away, distracting, or numbing yourself. Things will start coming up and you will get triggered. Do you have the courage to stay with the feeling and get to know it? Where does it come from? Look within, look outside. Very soon it becomes a hell of a movie. No day is like another. Every minute, every moment things come up and you register them in your consciousness. It becomes a 24-hour reality show. Even in your sleep. 

There is no end to mastering sensitivity and awareness. As long as you live, you get better and better at feeling and sensing. One life is not enough. Every age brings a new sensory experience and a new perspective. There is no bad age as each one provides you with a different lens to see old things.  

Death is peaceful death is loving. There are no reasons to be afraid of death. It’s like a COVID shot. Hurts for a second, and then it’s over. Don’t be afraid to die, but be afraid to miss on experiences that life holds. Be afraid to leave your life like a rock, feeling barely anything.

Any movie suggestions?

What does it mean to be a man?

To be a man of honour.
To be a man of code.
To be a man.

What is masculine? 
What is feminine?

I don’t believe in a 50/50 split in a relationship. Gender equality is a myth. Yes, women can do many difficult things. My mother shoots an AK-47 and jumps off the helicopter. There are police officers and firemen who are women. There are military women. I have no doubts that women can do anything that they put their minds to. What I am saying is that men and women are different. What I am saying is that we can not equalize the opposites. 

There is a reason why I was born with balls.

There are many children in adult meat suits. There are many “neutral” men who prefer to play it safe. Emotional impotent who voluntarily castrated themselves just to be accepted and liked by women in particular. Emotional impotent who shy away from responsibilities. There is a lot of fake masculinity. Stupid baboons playing a man out of the fear to be exposed. Perhaps under the macho mask, there is an emotionally underdeveloped child. A kid, whose ego is so fragile and precious that he puts up a scary fence, so no one attempts to approach him. There is a coward who is afraid of pain. Disgusting.

My life’s mission is to figure out the meaning of a man and live it.
What does it mean to be a man? 

TO FEEL

I used to think that the most important thing in a man’s life is his job, his craft, and his career.
I used to believe that self-actualization comes first, above everything else.

I was wrong.

Job IS very important, however only until you reach a certain level of income. In my case, I would say $90k-$100k a year. I will eat clean nutritious food that I like. I will have money to do a very expensive sport of triathlon. I will go on a one-two-week travel trip every other month, anywhere in the world. I will drive a nice vehicle. I will have good health coverage. I will live in a decent place. Never been a big shopper, so that’s off the table.

Food, shelter, access to medical treatment, access to sports facilities and equipment, and freedom to move and travel. These are basics, in the American world. However, luxuries in many other countries. Nevertheless, once the basics are covered – a job, for the sake of making money, falls down on the second place. It is not the most important thing in life.

Currently, it seems to me that the goal of life is to live your life by doing things that bring you joy. The mastery of life is to monetize your passions. This equation consists of two unknowns: things that you love doing and things that you are getting paid for doing.

First, you got to learn yourself. You must know your strength and weaknesses. Likes and dislikes. You want to spend as much time as possible doing the things you like to be doing. Don’t waste time. 

Wasted time, in my opinion, is time spent on doing the things that you don’t enjoy. Working on a hated job in pursuit of a promised retirement. That is postponing the desired outcome, which could never come true. Spending time with people that you don’t like is also a great waste of time.

I strive to accomplish.
I want to own things.

Why?

The end result is always the same – TO FEEL. No matter what I do, I do it to achieve a certain emotional state. Anything I do, I do to experience the feeling. This is very important to realize and acknowledge. 

External things like cars, houses, jobs, titles, medals, and even travel – are the means by which I experience the feelings. External things are never the end goal. The feeling is.

Maybe I want to accomplish something to feel proud of myself.
Maybe I want to own something to feel important, seen or loved. 
I want to do something outside to cause a feeling inside. Isn’t it ridiculous?

What is the value of a diamond ring to a bling person? As a blind person, she would have to imagine what that ring looks like. She would have to convince herself that it is something very valuable, even knowing that she could not tell a difference between a five-dollar aluminum ring on her finger. What if you owned a large white house with columns and granite floors on the beach, but which you could not see? Imagine that you are a blind person, and the only thing that you could experience is the sound of waves and the warmth of the sun on your skin. Based on what other people see and tell you, you would recreate that house in your imagination. Still, you could be standing in an average beachside property, barefoot on cement, but so incredibly happy because you would’ve believed you were in a ten million dollar mansion.

The point here is that you already have everything inside of you to be happy. Your perception of things makes you unhappy. 

The trick here is to stop looking outside and turn within. Otherwise, it’s going to be a long and tough pursuit of happiness. You will spend your whole life chasing external things, that is not always guaranteed, just to obtain them and come back inside – to your feeling. Because things and titles are never the goals. The feeling is. So be true to yourself and ask: “How do I want to feel?”.

In my opinion, pursuing the feeling itself instead of something that inflicts this feeling is the way to go. 

It is not mandatory to have several million in your bank account to feel like a millionaire. You can feel it this second.
It is not necessary to have a fancy job and a prestigious title to feel proud of yourself. Be proud of yourself now.
You don’t need to have shredded abs or incredible biceps to feel worthy of love. The love must come from within.

Do you see how f*cked up your perception of reality is? You can not even comprehend how it is possible to feel like a winner without winning.   It is. Winning and losing doesn’t mean anything to those who are true to themselves and are in the race for different reasons. You can be anyone and you can be anything. The key to magic is to change your perception of reality and yourself. The feeling that you are after has to come first. That’s the hard part. You need to feel like a winner, before actually winning. You need to feel like owning before actually owning. And you know what? When you do win or you do finally own – it doesn’t really matter anymore. 

Cut the path and feel. Close your eyes and take yourself on a date. Meditate.

The act of creation begins with a feeling. Through the feeling, you will find inspiration and energy to create.
You can stop right there, but the act of creation will not be complete without taking action. 

WHAT WOULD I DO IF MY BUSINESS IDEAS NEVER WORK?

I would only pursue jobs and things that bring me joy.
I would do something that lights me up and makes me excited.
I would do my job for the sake of doing it – to enjoy it.

WHAT IF I NEVER BECOME A… MILLIONAIRE?

Doesn’t matter, as long as I enjoyed the path. If I gave it my best effort – win or loss doesn’t matter. To win is to do your best.

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Take Responsibility

Things don’t seem to work out.
In the past month of April, over the course of three weeks I applied to 203 jobs. I got rejected 203 times. Not a very big deal. Prior to that, in 2021, I heard “No” 346 times. Outside of many things I did to make a living, I kept applying for jobs. May 8, 2022, will be the second anniversary since I got let go from my engineering job at Uber ATG. For two years, I’ve been trying to figure things out. It’s been a crazy roller coaster with ups and downs. I had some financial wins, however… however…

After the last set of interviews in April, I felt very positive and optimistic. It seemed as if I found “the one” – the job that fit me perfectly. Not one, but two job opportunities made my dopamine levels rise. One was in Montreal, another in Palo Alto, Silicon Valley. I went through three stages of the interviews. I was certain that if not one, then another for sure will work out. I was getting ready to move. A long story short, after some time waiting, I got rejected for both of the positions. Again… Odd reasons, nevertheless, it was a no.

I think that I handle rejections well, however this time I gave a crack. The problem was not with just these two jobs, but the accumulation of everything. Two years of trying. Two years of banging on so many different doors.

I needed to clear my head. My mentor said: “You must take responsibility. You need to take charge of everything that happened and will happen in your life. Unless you do – you will be miserable. It will eat you alive.” Hearing him say that made me angry. Wasn’t I taking responsibility all this time? It was all on me. I never tried to make up excuses. I never blamed anyone, but myself. That was a problem. I blamed myself. I burned myself alive. My inner critic perceived his words as a direct criticism. I did not understand what he meant. Only two days later I did.

He was not critiquing. It was not criticism. I realized how wise and deep his words were. I realized how much he cared for me. I felt like a fool.

Life happens to you until the moment you decide how you want it to be. God is in you – a creator is in every human being. Each of us has the creative power to shape the world around us. To take responsibility means to reclaim your creative power. To take responsibility means to put your hands back on the steering wheel. Unless you do – the life just happens. To take responsibility is to get back to the drawing board and draw a man whom you want to become. Taking responsibility has nothing to do with paying for your mistakes. It is not about blaming yourself for not being perfect and having everything figured out. There is no criticism involved. Criticism is victimizing. Not even a scent of it. It’s about reclaiming your power. It’s about bringing enthusiasm and energy back to your life. This is the only way to break the cycle. Taking responsibility is the way out. It’s the way through.

I also realized how big and powerful my inner critic is. He eats me alive. He uses fear, manipulation and shame to control me. To him: I see you now. I am not afraid.

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Embracing Uncertainty

Book by Susan Jeffers

Life can be wonderful, despite the uncertainty. In fact, there are those who have proven that life can be wonderful because of uncertainty! 

The only certainty is that life is uncertain! 

You want a promise that life will give you a happy marriage, lots of money, vigorous health, well-behaved, happy children, a world without conflict. There is never a way to erase the uncertainty in any area of our lives. Even if we do our very best, we cannot predict or control, even the next second of our lives, let alone how our children turn out, how our relationships will turn out, how we are treated at work, how long we will live, and on and on and on. 

The right food today is the wrong food tomorrow. Whoops! 

I have no control over the future.
I have no control over the future.
I have no control over the future. 

LET GO of any hope that you can create any certainty in your life. 

When you finally do reach that state of SURRENDER, you can’t help but feel the peace that comes when you stop trying to do the impossible. Surrender doesn’t mean giving up on your attempts to do the very best that you can; it means letting go of something over which you have no control.

I don’t have to work so hard doing the impossible . . . controlling the future. I can rest at last. 

A “deep” acceptance that life is uncertain opens the door to a powerful way of living. 

No matter how bad things may seem at any given moment. Finding the gifts minimizes even erases—the suffering. 

We would be looking for a way of being in the world that assures us that we could handle whatever life hands us. Therefore, we would live with a “bring it all on!” attitude knowing that we are prepared for anything that comes our way! 

There is a great adventure in the unknown that propels us to discover powerful parts of ourselves that we didn’t know were there. 

The trick is to learn to love the uncertainty of it all . . . to find, at last, the great satisfaction, the great joy, and the great opportunity that lies within the uncertainty. Each moment, each day, each age, each experience brings with it its own challenge. And the trick is to learn to love the uncertainty of it all. 

If we can transfer the feeling of upset, even panic, about the future into the understanding that we can learn and grow from it all, we will have made great progress. 

Even if things go wrong, we would always be the seeker rather than the victim.

“I wonder how this will all turn out.”
“I wonder what I am going to do about this.”
“I wonder what I will learn from this.” 

We can train ourselves to be adventurers instead of worriers.  Uncertainty is a very exciting thing. 

Do we want to be miserable or do we want to be excited about life? 

Wondering, on the other hand, doesn’t result in unhappiness, as there are no hopes to be shattered.  Fear of the uncertain is replaced by curiosity. 

“I wonder how this story will end.”
“I wonder how this will turn out.”
“I wonder what will happen in my life today.” 

Become the observer.
You are simply the observer of the facts and your emotions. Wondering neutralizes both hope and pessimism. It allows us to handle better what life brings us. It helps us drop our need for control of the uncontrollable, thus setting us free. 

Don’t wish for it to happen.
Don’t wish for it not to happen. 
Just watch it happen.

Let the wonder of life unfold.
Start feeling curious about how it will turn out.

“The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.”
— Bertrand Russell 

I DON’T REALLY KNOW ANYTHING. Not-knowing mind is a clear mind. The only thing that we can know is that we know nothing and that is the highest flight of human wisdom. 

This does not mean we stop taking action to create important changes in our lives and in our world, but it does mean that we let go of how we think it’s supposed to be or how it should turn out. 

Maybe I’m right, maybe I’m wrong.
Maybe they’re right, maybe they’re wrong.
Nobody knows what the future holds.
Nobody knows the Grand Design. 

I also realized that my vision is limited. I could be right, I could be wrong. Truth is only found in the Grand Design, which none of us can see. 

When we have strong belief systems, we create boundaries in our lives. Boundaries are created by an attachment to a way of thinking as opposed to freedom of thought. Freedom of thought allows the kind of discovery that expands our world and allows us to become the best that we can be. 

IN MY OPINION…
TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE…
AT THIS TIME, I BELIEVE…
THE THINKING AT THIS TIME IS… 

I THINK…

Embrace the thought “It’s all happening perfectly.” 

Let’s assume someone is coming at you with a strong verbal attack. Or maybe they are just strongly disagreeing with your opinion. Say: “Tell me more. I’m interested to hear your views about this issue.” When anyone comes at you in the form of an argument, simply embrace your opponent with an openness of head and heart. “I’m curious as to why you see it that way?” “I respect your opinion. I just see the world a little differently”. Leave your ego at the door and open yourself to learning and growth. 

We all radiate an energy field that extends far beyond our physical body; that is, we don’t end where our skin ends. we can change our energy field by changing our emotions.

A real expert of the best kind will tell you, “To the best of our knowledge at the present time, this is the information we have. Future research may prove us wrong.” Know-it-alls close the door to knowing. 

Expectations, by definition, create an attachment, a yearning, a desire, a hope for something in the future to turn out a certain way. Of course, we have no control over what the future holds. Therefore, when we create expectations, we automatically become our own worst enemy. We sabotage ourselves as we set up a situation where first we “pre-worry” and then are disappointed if things don’t turn out the way we want them to. And, if things do turn out the way we want them to, we don’t have time for enjoyment because we are already “pre-worrying” about the next expectation we’ve created for ourselves. If this isn’t self-sabotage, I don’t know what is. 

Expectations create within our being an intense need to control everything and everyone in the outside world.

Instead of letting go of trying to do the impossible, what do we do? We try harder! A little bit more self-sabotage, I’d say. 

When we can let go of how it is supposed to be, we can finally relax and be more peaceful with the way it is. Expectations keep us from noticing and playing with exciting possibilities that always surround us. The irony is that while we think our expectations are giving us a measure of control, our expectations are really controlling us! 

“Not-knowing” is the path of wisdom. Here you are learning that . . . “Non-attachment” is the path of a peaceful mind. Non-attachment allows us to look at all possibilities for the future.

Understand that an expectation is a fantasy, an illusion. It has no basis in reality. We make pictures in our minds and then are upset when reality steps in. It isn’t about the “something happening” that is the problem, it’s your inability to let go of the expectation of how it’s supposed to be. 

Most problems aren’t problems.

It’s only our attachment to things being other than they are that makes them problems. Attachment brings suffering. Once we drop the attachment, the suffering falls away. 

We may have “preferences” in life; but as long as they remain preferences and not attachments, life flows. It becomes, “Oh, well . . . let’s move on,” instead of “This is terrible . . . my life is ruined.” Letting go of your attachment to getting the job. You figured that if the job was meant to be yours, it would be. If it wasn’t, there would be something else out there or maybe you were meant to be going in another direction. Therefore, if you get it, that’s great. If you don’t get it, that’s also great. 

Sometimes human beings change their minds. We cannot trust “forever.” But we can learn to trust ourselves to handle whatever happens in our lives in a powerful and loving way. If we can perceive our mates as human beings who won’t always follow our script, we can keep an open heart. 

The minute you discover what is upsetting you, close your eyes, pick up those imaginary scissors, cut the cord to the expectation behind the upset, and breathe a sigh of relief as you watch it drift off into oblivion. Then feed yourself some nourishing thoughts. “Cut the cord” and feel the freedom of non-attachment. Close your eyes. Take out those imaginary scissors in the mind, and cut the cord to that expectation. Imagine your expectation drifting off into the air until it is gone. 

“This woman is not my life. While I would enjoy seeing her again, I know I have the power to create a great life whether she calls or not. All is well.” 

“If I don’t get the job, it wasn’t for me. There are many other jobs out there and my search will teach me very valuable lessons.”

Cut the cord to your hope of getting the job and breathe a sigh of relief. 

“If I get the raise, that’s great. If I don’t get the raise, it’s okay. I will manage somehow. It might be my cue to look at other options that are out there.” 

“Few of us escape some manner of physical problems as we age. I will do my best to stay healthy and trust that I will deal beautifully with any illness that happens to come my way.” 

As you can see, professional worriers limit themselves to very brief moments of happiness. This is because thoughts of the potential future disaster immediately step in to take away the good feelings. It is a given that, when they have nothing to worry about, professional worriers invariably create something to worry about. 

The more relaxed you are relative to the outcome, the better the outcome will be. Understand that you did your best and you can’t control how other people interact or don’t interact. 

Do your best. Enjoy the work. Then let go of the outcome.

When attached to outcomes, by definition, we are attached to unhappiness. As hard as we try, as fast as we go, we can never feel the security of being in control of the outside world. When we break our attachment to our expectations of control, we become happier people. 

What if there was a way to increase the odds that you are travelling in the right direction for your highest good? Intuition. Only when we can get out of our thinking mind that we can use our intuitive mind to our greatest advantage. It can also lead us to where we need to go for a richer, fuller, more meaningful and exciting life. 

I didn’t say that your intuition will lead you where your conscious mind thinks it should go. I said that your intuition will lead you to what is for your highest good. There is a big difference. Stop thinking so hard and allow yourself to “know” what to do in any situation. Don’t think . . . just know. The cosmic psyche whispers to us softly in the gap between our thoughts. The sleeping mind is removed from the realm of the rational mind and can often be a source of great intuitive information. when the analytical mind is at rest, the intuitive mind can work its miracles. 

Create “Intention“: A strong intention is an amazing thing. It is one way of sending out those radio waves for what it is you want. I believe that when you have a strong intention, you set energy in motion. Energy in motion touches other energy in motion and remarkable things can happen. 

“If it is for my highest good, I will have it. If it is not for my highest good, I won’t.” 

When I trust that I will be led to what is for my highest good, I’m never disappointed. 

Instead of lamenting, “What should I do?”, I ask myself a much more peaceful question, “I wonder what Alexander is going to do?”. Listen to the Whispers: Once you ask your questions, catch the thoughts that whisper in your brain. 

When you don’t really know what to do, it may be wise to do nothing! It is wise to be still. Practice not making any decisions when you are confused. 

Don’t Try Too Hard to Find the Answers: If we try too hard to do anything, we get in our own way. “Trying too hard” and “flow” simply don’t go together. 

If you are obsessed that things have to be a certain way, you don’t see the doors opening up all around you. If you are not flexible and fluid, you can’t take advantage of other opportunities. You can’t even see other possibilities. 

“Whatever happens in my life, I’ll handle it. I will learn from it. I will grow from it. I will find a way to make it enrich my life.” 

You don’t worry as much about the future when you know you can handle anything. It stands to reason that knowing what the future holds isn’t as important when you know you can handle it all. When we know that we can enrich our lives with anything that happens to us . . . good or bad … all is well. I have certainly learned that it was in the handling of very difficult things in my life that gave me so much of the strength I find in myself today. 

It’s all happening perfectly, 
It’s all happening perfectly, 
It’s all happening perfectly, 
It’s all happening perfectly, 
It’s all happening perfectly, 
It’s all happening perfectly, 

I have little control in the outside world, I have much control in the “inside” world. And thoughts such as “It’s all happening perfectly,” give me that inner power. 

Everything in our lives, the good and the bad, provides great learning waiting to happen, that is if we train ourselves to embrace the learning instead of embracing the unhappiness. 

It is important to focus on the reality of cycles.

Good follow bad and bad follow good.
Life is a series of ups and downs.

It is important not to identify with the ups and downs of life; We must not be attached to the good; we must not be depressed by the bad. The ups and downs are just part of the flow of life. 

You can’t get rid of the downs and you can’t hold on to the ups. It’s much better to notice both with the understanding that “This too shall pass.”

When things are wonderful . . . this too shall pass.
When things are difficult . . . this too shall pass. 

When something is not going the way you want it to go, it doesn’t mean that it is going wrong or that you did something wrong. All you have to do is set your sights on learning everything you can learn. And one day it will all fit into place. 

A person can get used to anything . . . mentally and physically. No matter how horrible, no matter how punishing, and no matter how grotesque the situation, the human spirit can survive . . . better yet, the human spirit can reign triumphant. 

Humour is one of the Soul’s weapons in the fight for self-preservation. Take a step away from the drama, even if only for a few minutes. 

You could be freezing and not get ill. You could be around disease and not get ill. You could go without much sleep and not get ill. You could receive very little nourishment and not get ill. You could be unable to clean your teeth and have a terrible vitamin deficiency and still have healthy gums. You could be unable to clean the sores on your body and remain infection-free. 

Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way. 

to dream new dreams,
to ask new questions,
and to think new thoughts. 

I thank God that life is hard . . . because, in the pain, the struggle, the loneliness, and the rejection, we begin to learn. And when we learn, we grow, and when we grow, a miracle happens. We begin to change. 

WHEN DIFFICULTIES ARISE, IMMEDIATELY REJECT THE VICTIM MENTALITY AND BEGIN LOOKING FOR THE GOOD. 

SHARE THE “BLESSINGS” YOU HAVE FOUND WITH OTHERS. Talk about them … or write about them. Others will be uplifted and encouraged by your ability to make something good from something bad. 

Always remember that how we live our lives is a personal decision, not something that is put upon us from the outside world.

To know we really count is the most powerful and vital piece of information we can ever have. Our sense of meaning is the knowledge that we truly make a difference . . . that we are needed . . . that we are important . . . that our lives count for something. 

Many emotional problems exist because of a lack of a sense of meaning and purpose. “the existential vacuum.” 

There is nothing wrong with success in the material sense PLUS a sense of meaning and purpose. But without the latter, we are lost. 

“It’s not about what I want my life to be, it’s about what I can give.“

Most of us focus on what we want life to give us. In fact, it is just this kind of thinking that creates the victim mentality. “Poor me. I’m not getting what I want.” 

What do I love to do? How do I use what I love to do to help the world around me? 

Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good; if it doesn’t, it is of no use. Both paths lead nowhere, but one has a heart; the other doesn’t. One makes for a joyful journey; as long as you follow it, you are one with it. The other will make you curse your life. One makes you strong; the other weakens you. 

Our task is simply to look around and find that someone or something and step right in. There is never a time when there is nothing for us to do. 

See what needs to be done, and do it—with excellence, integrity, pride, and gratitude that you truly are making a difference in this world. 

No matter how bad things may seem, we can ultimately make something positive out of whatever happens to us. 

We are privileged to be alive, that life is short, and we need to make the most of it. Unfortunately, most of us wake up leaving the teacup upside down, metaphorically speaking, dragging through the day, putting off life, thinking we will live forever but acting if we were already dead!

John Quincy Adams is saying that his body only holds who he is temporary. And that he will soon be changing his address. 

“Death is absolutely safe. It’s like taking off a tight shoe.”
– Ram Dass

Many of us fear the prospect of dying because we feel that life is passing us by and we haven’t as yet lived. Who wants to die before they have lived? 

“I have had this.” What this means to me is, “Life is NOT passing me by. I have enjoyed this. I have experienced this. I HAVE HAD THIS.” 

“Do I really have to work so hard or is it that I simply can’t say ‘NO’ to extra tasks I am given?” 

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VOYAGE VOYAGE

Working in a Crisis is like training – if everything is done correctly, the bar is ALWAYS heavy. If done correctly, it is difficult from step one, and it will not become easier over time. I don’t want things to be easy. I don’t save for retirement and I don’t expect to figure everything out.

I am annoyed by those who talk about change. They want to start a business, find a girlfriend, get in shape, change their career… They will do it all, BUT not now. It is never the right time for them. I’ve met enough people in my life to recognize those who will go somewhere and those who will die dreaming. I can sense a bulsh*tt talk from a mile away. Oh, those talkers… all they do is talk, talk, talk… Also, there are posers – people who pretend to be someone that they are not. Disgusting! It is obvious to me that there is nothing to do with those people – it’s inside of me. They are just the mirrors that reflect me to me. I don’t like such an ugly reflection. It taught me to not talk about my plans or the things I want or will do. I will keep my mouth shut and let my actions speak for myself. I will not be one of those talkers. I am will be known as a man of action. I already proved a lot to many people. It’s time to graduate from seeking people’s approval. I am my own quality control. I am my own bulsh*tt sensor. I don’t have a desire to impress anyone or be accepted by those who care less about me. What a waste of time!

Everyone can be anyone.

Every major change in my life was a result of me taking action. Not me thinking about taking action or planning to take action. Change has never come from me talking about change. Change never came from understanding the process, or knowledge of how things work. It was always that ACTION that initiated a change. Confident. Bold. Spontaneous. I don’t need to be ready to start acting. I will figure it out along the way. I always did. I am a fast learner.

My mission in life as a human being is to learn. I am a forever student on this planet and in this body. I learned many lessons since I left Toronto in August 2020. It was a hell of a journey. Very transformative. Kelowna was an amazing transition stage for me. It is time to go. I want to go.

Perhaps, only after you learned lessons that the Universe gave you, only after you passed the tests, only then you are allowed to move on to the next chapter in life. I don’t expect things to get easier. They won’t and lessons will become harder and more complex. I wonder how far can I go. How many things can I learn and figure out in my life? This principle applies to literally everything. Career, relationships, etc. If you feel stuck, perhaps you are not learning the lesson. Perhaps you resist something that you secretly know needs to be done. Perhaps you chose to avoid a painful experience or a hard decision. 

I want to change. I want to be different. I am asking for an assignment that I am totally underqualified for. I want a task to exceed my current skills and capabilities.

My brain loves to consume new information. Reading books, taking classes feels good. Studying makes me feel smart and valuable. Good boy! There are a lot of overeducated people in the World. All they do is talk. They sound very smart. They propose great things. However, if you asked such a crowd: “Those who are ready to dedicate time and energy to make this happen, Step forward!”, you will find out that no one wants to take action. 

It takes courage to get out there and DO things. Isn’t it? It’s easy to plan and contemplate. My brain does not like to use new information. Action is hard. The action takes energy. Energy is a renewable resource, but time is not. Don’t save the energy for later and don’t waste energy worrying and thinking what if. Instead, DO something to increase your chances for success.

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100/30

I am alive. I am fit. I am healthy. I am in a good state of mind. I am 30.
I have love. I have faith. I have a purpose. I am 30.

To make this birthday memorable – I ran 100 KM. I ran for 13 hours, from sunrise to sunset. A celebration of youth. A celebration of health.

I set a goal that scared me. Anxiety was holding me by my arms. It felt like a numbness from my fingers up to the elbows.

Why run?

Because I can. Because I never did it before. To change the trajectory of my life, whatever it takes. I want to change. I want to become someone different. Someone I could enjoy living with. I want to move into a new world.

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The first 50 km were relatively easy. Minor pains and indigestion. Everything beyond that – was uncharted territory for me. The pain grew. Pain killers did not make a difference. I was hurting.

The most challenging part of the run was the hill. Elevation gain of 1,200 m (3,937 ft) in 10 km. It took me three hours to climb that hill. And that’s after having run 60 km. The last hour of the climb went with no food or water. It was very challenging.

Meeting my friend at the top gave me an extra strength to continue. Cailan brought water and gels. Hallelujah. I came back to life.

I was about 30 km away from the finish when I separated from my friend and went down the trail. The plan was for him to drive downhill and ride his bike back up to meet me in about an hour. It didn’t go as planned and we met only 4 hours later. I got lost in the woods.

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At the 90 km mark, I realized that taking the trail was a mistake. It led me nowhere. My phone was almost dead with about 5% battery left. It was getting dark and cold. I had left about two sips of water and two gels.

I attempted to call my friend but couldn’t reach him – no service on his end. I texted him my GPS coordinates and went off the trail, looking for a road. I was very tired. My lips dried out. No water. I was preparing to spend the night in the woods.

A long story short I found my way out. I was very happy to step back on the pavement. I made it! I was upbeat and cheerful. I was singing songs and laughing. What a day it was!

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Piece by piece I build self-respect. I ran 100 km from Vernon to Penticton. I got lost in the forest and found my way out. I did many hard things in life, which thought me this: I CAN DO ANYTHING THAT I PUT MY MIND TO. I now truly believe that. Self-confidence is acquired and it is not something that you can be born with. I’ve built mine by doing the things that scared me. Repeatedly overcoming hard things build self-esteem and shows you that you are capable of more than you previously thought.

I continue setting goals for myself. I attempt difficult tasks. I am not often successful, but it doesn’t matter. I have balls to try. I burn out and fail. I cry and have depressive episodes. But I always come back smiling. That’s who I am.

I don’t need anyone to tell me what to do and what not to do. I don’t need anyone to decide for me which goals are too risky. I don’t need anyone to hold my hand and tell me that everything’s going to be alright. I overcame the illusion that there is someone who can make my life better. I know in my bones that no amount of money or medals will improve the quality of my existence. I can’t control anything. All I can do is my best. Things will happen, just the way they always do.

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I have faith that makes me stronger. I am building someone who can do incredible things. With God’s help, I can be anyone and I can do anything. There is a plan for me and everyone else. All I am asking for is a chance. The opportunity. Everyone deserves at least one chance to become great. Everything I do now is a preparation for the opportunity ahead. It is bigger than me. And when the opportunity reveals itself – I will be ready. I will be at the peak of my capabilities. I will execute my part perfectly.

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30 Days on the Road got me Thinking

1. Consistency

The sport requires consistency. The job requires consistency. Mastery in any field requires consistency. It is super hard to train consistently while travelling. All the training has to be done at home, wherever it is.

A nomadic lifestyle requires a lot of logistics and planning. It takes up your mental energy. You can’t expect yourself to work at your best, while constantly moving around.

2. The One Thing

SOS – shiny object syndrome. There is an epidemic of ADHD in the World. People grab what’s shiny and run with it. Until they drop it… Then they move to the next and next and next. They leave a trail of unfinished work behind them. I don’t want to be that. I am tired of chasing my tail. I am tired of searching.

I want to find that ONE THING that I can be exceptionally good at. I want to specialize in one thing and be known for it. I want to find out what is it that I can do better than anyone else. Period. I want my work to be in the top 10 in the World. I want to find my jam. I want to create. I want to flow. Find my Zone and stay there until I drop dead. I put my ego aside and ask the Universe: What is it that I can be exceptionally good at? I don’t need what’s trendy. I don’t care if it’s sexy or not. I just want to know – Is there is something that I can do exceptionally well? Am I capable of creating something beautiful? I want to know. I surrender to God to show me. I promise to accept my gift for what it is. I promise not to judge the gift that I was given. I did not create myself, so who am I to judge? Whatever gave me life – WHY? With all my heart, I want you to give me the task. The task that only me and a couple of other men and women can do.

Maybe I just want to feel special. Yes, I do. It sounds like I go through an identity crisis. Show me the way. Give me a sign or a hint of something that will lead me to my calling. I will try from happiness when I find my door. I promise not to brag. I promise not to take for granted your gifts. I promise not to turn away from those in need. What do you want me to do?

3. Am I climbing the wrong mountain?

Whenever I set myself a goal – I go all out. I am a black or white person.

Training has become a full-time job for me. I stopped enjoying it. Wait. Pause. Reset. Why do you still do it if you don’t enjoy it? Is someone holding a gun to your head? Why did you decide on triathlon? What if there is something different that you should be doing? What if this is just a preparation for what’s coming?

I want to become world-class. But is it really what you want? Alex is more than a physical body. I am an intellectual person. I like to think. I like to work with my brain. Becoming World-class in triathlon will require a lot of sacrifices. I can not give my 100% self to mental work AND physical. Something will have to give. I’ve been gifted a sharp mind. Am I willing to put my mind to the side and focus all my energy on training? No. I know myself. If I don’t learn, if I don’t load my mind with challenging tasks – I destroy myself. No matter how good my training is, I will still have the need to let my mind work. What if my sport is mental and not physical? What if I’ve been climbing the wrong mountain? No-no, I will not drop the sport. Perhaps I need to reduce the intensity. Maybe I need to shift my focus a bit and be okay with not being a professional athlete. Still train. Still exercise, but know that your game is a mental game. Physical exercise and sport are not the end stop. Sport is here to support me, but not to consume me.

If I didn’t kill myself in training and racing, maybe I could stay fit for life. Maybe I won’t stand on the podium in my thirties, but I will enjoy every race and stay active in my seventies and eighties. I need to prioritize health over results. I need to do it for pure enjoyment and not the medal that means nothing. Save your body. Love your body. You are in a mental game, not the physical. Find ways to challenge your mind the way you challenge your body. Use the sport to support your mental game, not harm it.

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