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Begin with praise and honest appreciation

It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points.

“Beginning with praise is like the dentist who begins his work with Novocain. The patient still gets the drilling, but the Novocain is pain-killing.”
Dale Carnegie

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Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly

Calling attention to one’s mistakes indirectly works wonders with sensitive people who may resent bitterly any direct criticism. Change the world “but” to “and”.

Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person

You were not born with judgment. That comes only with experience. You have inclination to criticize people.

“… you are twice as old as Josephine. You have had ten thousand times as much business experience. How can you possibly expect her to have your viewpoint, your judgment, your initiative – mediocre thought they may be? And just a minute, Dale, what were you doing at nineteen? Remember the time you did this… and that…?”

Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person. Praise after you criticize. It will work miracles for you.

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Ask questions instead of giving direct orders

No one likes to take orders.

“He always gave suggestions, not orders. He would say, ‘You might consider this,’ or ‘Do you think that would work?’, ‘What do you think of this? He always gave people the opportunity to do the work themselves; he never told his assistants to do things; he let them do them, let them learn from their own mistakes’.

Instead of giving orders – ask questions. Asking questions not only makes an order more palatable; it oftentimes stimulates the creativity of the person whom you asked.

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Let the other person save face

Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement

When criticism is minimized and praise emphasized, the good things people do will be reinforced and the poorer things will atrophy for lack of attention.

“Compared with what we’re out to be, we are only half awake. We are making use of only a small part of our physical and mental resources. Stating the thing broadly, the human individual thus lives far within his limits. He possesses powers of various sorts which he habitually fails to use”
William James

One of these powers is the ability to praise and inspire people with a realization of their latent possibilities.

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Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to

Give a dog good name. If you want to improve a person in a certain respect, act as though that particular trait were already one of his or her outstanding characteristics.

“Assume a virtue, if you have it not”, W. Shakespeare

Use encouragement
Make the fault seem easy to correct

Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest

“… he created the impression that by accepting this great honour I would be doing him a favour…”

Dale Carnegie suggest that the leader should:

1. Be sincere. Do not promise anything that you cannot deliver. Forget about the benefits to yourself and concentrate on the benefits to the other person.
2. Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do.
3. Be empathetic. Ask yourself what is the other person really wants.
4. Consider the benefits to the other person’s wants.
5. When you make your request, put it in a way that would convey to the other person the idea that he personally will benefit

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WIN PEOPLE TO YOUR WAY OF THINKING

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“The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it”
Dale Carnegie

BE HONEST

LISTEN FIRST

CONTROL YOUR TEMPER

Welcome the disagreement

LOOK FOR AREAS OF AGREEMENT

Distrust your first instinctive impression

THANK YOUR OPPONENTS SINCERELY FOR THEIR INTEREST

Promise to thinks over your opponent’s ideas and study them carefully

Postpone action to give both sides time to thinks through the problem

Dale Carnegie

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You can tell people they are wrong by a look or an intonation or a gesture just as eloquently as you can in words. If you tell them they are wrong, how would you expect them to agree with you? Never! If you are going to prove anything, don’t let anybody know it. Do it subtly, that no one feels that you are doing it.

“You can not teach a man anything; you can only help him to find it within himself.”
Galileo

“Be wiser than other people if you can… but don’t tell them so.”
Lord Chestfield

We sometimes change our minds without any resistance or heavy emotion, but if we are told we are wrong – we resist and harder our hearts.

When somebody expresses some feeling, attitude or belief, we instantly tell ourselves: “that’s right”, or “that’s stupid”, “that’s not nice”, “that’s stupid”, “that’s unreasonable”. We rarely take time to understand precisely what the meaning of the statement is to the other person. Nothing good is accomplished and a lot of damage can be done if you tell a person straight out that he or she is wrong.

“Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say ‘You are Wrong’!”

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Begin in a friendly way

“People don’t want to change their minds. They can’t be forced or driven to agree with you or me. But they may possibly be led to, if we are gentle and friendly, ever so gentle and ever so friendly”
Dale Carnegie

To win anyone to your case, you first need to convince him that you are his friend. Here is a short excerpt for you:

… I met him at the door with a friendly greeting. I fairly hubbled with good will and enthusiasm. I did not begin talking about how high they ran was. I began talking about how much I liked his apartment house. I complimented him on the way he ran the building and told him I should like so much to stay for another year but I couldn’t afford it…
… without my even asking him to do it, he offered to reduce my rent a little. I wanted more, so I named the figure I could afford to pay… He accepted it without a word…

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It DOESN’T PAY TO ARGUE

In talking with people, do not start with discussing the things on which you differ. Begin by emphasizing and keep on emphasizing the things on which you agree.

That skilful speaker gets a number of “Yeses” at the beginning. This sets the psychological process of the listeners moving in the affirmative direction. The more “Yeses” you can get at the beginning, the more likely you are to succeed in capturing the attention for the ultimate proposal. Try to get that person saying “Yes, yes”.

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Handling complaints

Let the other people talk themselves out. Let them tell you a few things. You may be tempted to interrupt, but do not. It’s dangerous. Listen patiently. Encourage them to express their ideas fully. It pays to let the other person do the talking. It helps not only in business, but in family situations.

When our friends excel, they feel important. When we excel at them, they feel inferior and envious. At least some of them. Talk about yourself less and listen more about other people they are more excited to talk about their accomplishments than listening to your boasting. Mention your achievements only when they ask.

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Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers

You have much more faith in ideas with you discover for yourself then in the ideas that are handed to you on the silver spoon. No one like like to feel that he or she is being sold something. We all want to feel that we are buying – we are in control.

“Letting the other person feel that the idea is his or hers not only works in business and politics but in the family as well”
Dale Carnegie

“… I learned the best way to convert him to an idea was to plant it in his mind casually, but so as to interest him in it – so as to get him thinking about it on his own…” This is how women rule the world.

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Always think from the other person’s point of view

Instead of getting upset – look at the situation from another person’s of view. Let the other person pour out his troubles. Pause and try to think the whole thing through from another person’s point of view.

Harvard Business School Dean, Mr. Donham said:
“I would rather walk the sidewalk in front of the office for two hours before an interview than step into “that office without a perfectly clear idea of what I was going to say and what that person was likely to answer…”

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Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires

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HOW TO MAKE PEOPLE LIKE YOU

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Become genuinely interested in other people

“… you can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get the people interested in you…”, Dale Carnegie

People are not interested in you. They are not interested in me. People are interested only in what they want, not what you want. The only way to influence other people is to talk about what THEY want and show them how to get it.

“… the individual who is not interested in his fellow men has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from among such individual that all human failures spring …”, Adler

“…it is from among such individual that all human failures spring …” – interesting, isn’t it? If you enjoy writing and want to become a famous author, you first need to get interested in other people. If the author does not like people, they won’t read his or hers stories. You have to be interested in people if you want to be successful in writing stories.

To be genuinely interested in other people – is the most important quality for a salesman. For any men.

If you want to make friends, greet people with animation and a smile. Nobody wants to see your sad facial expression. Nobody wants to hear you complain. Smile! Express enthusiasm when meeting people!

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SMILE

” The expression one wears on one’s face is far more important than the clothes one wears”, Dale Carnegie

You will not succeed in anything you do, unless you like and enjoy doing it. You must have good time meeting people if you expect them to have a good time meeting you.

Whenever you go out-of-doors, draw the chin in, carry the crown of the head high, and fill the lungs to the utmost. Drink in the sunshine. Greet your friends with a smile, and put soul into every handclasp.

“A man without a smiling face must not open a shop”, Ancient Chinese Proverb

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Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound

The average person is more interested in his or her own name more than in all the other names on Earth put together. The policy of remembering and honoring the names of his friends and business associates was one of the secrets of Andrew Carnegie’s leadership.

If you didn’t hear the name distinctly. If it’s an unusual one, it is okay to ask to spell it. How is it spelled? Repeat the name several times in your mind. Try to create associations with it. Remember it.

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Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves

Pay exclusive attention to the person that talk to you. It is very important. Nothing else is so flattering than that.

Whenever somebody complains – listen to that person and let him or her express himself. Let the person enjoy himself pouring out his tirade. What that person really wants is the feeling of importance. He kicks and complains just to get the attention he desires.

If you try to make a good impression on someone – listen. Many people fail to make a favorable impression because they don’t listen attentively.

“… they have been so much concerned with what they are going to say next that they do not keep their ears open”, F. Marcosson.

“Very important people have told me that they prefer good listeners to good talkers”, D. Carnegie.

He never listens to anyone for long. He talks incessantly about himself. If he has and idea while the other person talks, he won’t wait for him or her to finish: bust right in and interrupt in the middle of a sentence. Sounds familiar? Don’t be that guy.

“To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that the other person will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.”, D. Carnegie.

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Talk in terms of other people interests

You know that you have an important meeting tomorrow. Doesn’t matter weather it’s a business or personal meeting, there is a way to prepare. Sit down and read up on the subject in which you know your guest is particularly interested. The royal road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most.

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Make the other person feel important and do it sincerely

Always make the other person feel important. Desire to be important is the deepest urge in human nature. People crave to be appreciated.

Jesus taught: “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. Give unto others what we would have others give us. All the time, everywhere.”

Use the following phrases as much as possible:

• I am so sorry to trouble you.
• Would you be so kind as to ____?
• Won’t you please?
• Would you mind?
• Thank you!

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“Your popularity, happiness and sense of worth depend on your skills of dealing with people”, Dale Carnegie

DON’T CRITICIZE OR COMPLAIN

They are just as human as you and I. They try to explain their own behaviours, no matter how right or wrong their decisions are. Do not, I repeat, do not blame people for anything.

When you criticize people, it puts them on a defense. They begin to justify themselves. Criticism is dangerous, because it can wound a person’s sense of worthiness. The studies show over and over again that animals rewarded for good behaviour will learn much more rapidly and retain what is Lauren’s far more effectively than an animal punished for bad behavior. The same applies to human beings. It is a default state of a human being to blame everybody but themselves. All the people are just like that. Are you any different?

If you cannot help, but express your disagreement, do it in a smart way. Take out a sheet of paper and write down everything you want to tell the other person. Lay out all the insults you have. Once done, put it to the side. You will never send this letter. This practice will allow you to blow off your steam without doing any damage to both yourself and the other person.

“Don’t criticize them. They are just what we would be under similar circumstances”, Lincoln.

It takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.

“A great man shows his greatness by the way he treats little men”, Carlyle.

Don’t measure other people by the yardstick of your own. Do not expect too much from others.

GIVE HONEST AND SINCERE APPRECIATION

The deepest urge in human nature is the desire to be important. People crave for compliments. People want to be appreciated. One of the main differences between humans and animals is a desire to feel important. If you tell me how you get your feeling of importance, I will tell you what you are. That determines your character. That is the most significant thing about you.

People oftentimes become invalids in order to win sympathy and attention. Being disabled in some way is the only way they know how to get attention. A lot of people go insane because they find that feeling in insanity. How? They feel important and special in insanity – in a way that they are unable to achieve in the world of reality.

One of the major causes of divorce is a lack of appreciation. Wife’s run away because their husbands take them for granted. They complain that they don’t feel appreciated by their partners, so they go elsewhere in search of this feeling. Appreciation is one of the basic human needs, alongside food, water and air. Some people are so hungry for appreciation that they would swallow even the cheapest kind of it. Flattery will do you more harm than good.

Every day leave a trail of gratitude behind yourself. Shows sincere appreciation of others. For a little and big things. Let your appreciation be honest and sincere.

AROUSE IN THE OTHER PERSON AN EAGER WANT

The only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it. Arouse in the other person an eager want. The only way to influence people is to talk in terms of what the other person wants. Before you talk, ask yourself: “How can I make this person want to do it?”.

“If there is a secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from yours”, H. Ford

People are worried about their own problems. They are not interested in how big and great you are. They are only interested in how big they are, not you. All this talk about your enormous success makes them feel small and unimportant. When you have a brilliant idea, instead of making others think it’s yours, let them cook and stir the idea of themselves. The world is full of people who are grabbing and self-seeking. It is very rare to find an individual who unselfishly tries to serve others. That person has little to no competition.

“People who can put themselves in the place of other people, who can understand the workings of their minds, need never worry about what the future has in store for them”, Owen Young

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