BOOK SUMMARY: HOW TO WIN FRIENDS & INFLUENCE PEOPLE. WIN PEOPLE TO YOUR WAY OF THINKING.
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WIN PEOPLE TO YOUR WAY OF THINKING
“The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it”
Dale Carnegie
BE HONEST
LISTEN FIRST
CONTROL YOUR TEMPER
Welcome the disagreement
LOOK FOR AREAS OF AGREEMENT
Distrust your first instinctive impression
THANK YOUR OPPONENTS SINCERELY FOR THEIR INTEREST
Promise to thinks over your opponent’s ideas and study them carefully
Postpone action to give both sides time to thinks through the problem
Dale Carnegie
You can tell people they are wrong by a look or an intonation or a gesture just as eloquently as you can in words. If you tell them they are wrong, how would you expect them to agree with you? Never! If you are going to prove anything, don’t let anybody know it. Do it subtly, that no one feels that you are doing it.
“You can not teach a man anything; you can only help him to find it within himself.”
Galileo
“Be wiser than other people if you can… but don’t tell them so.”
Lord Chestfield
We sometimes change our minds without any resistance or heavy emotion, but if we are told we are wrong – we resist and harder our hearts.
When somebody expresses some feeling, attitude or belief, we instantly tell ourselves: “that’s right”, or “that’s stupid”, “that’s not nice”, “that’s stupid”, “that’s unreasonable”. We rarely take time to understand precisely what the meaning of the statement is to the other person. Nothing good is accomplished and a lot of damage can be done if you tell a person straight out that he or she is wrong.
“Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say ‘You are Wrong’!”
Begin in a friendly way
“People don’t want to change their minds. They can’t be forced or driven to agree with you or me. But they may possibly be led to, if we are gentle and friendly, ever so gentle and ever so friendly”
Dale Carnegie
To win anyone to your case, you first need to convince him that you are his friend. Here is a short excerpt for you:
… I met him at the door with a friendly greeting. I fairly hubbled with good will and enthusiasm. I did not begin talking about how high they ran was. I began talking about how much I liked his apartment house. I complimented him on the way he ran the building and told him I should like so much to stay for another year but I couldn’t afford it…
… without my even asking him to do it, he offered to reduce my rent a little. I wanted more, so I named the figure I could afford to pay… He accepted it without a word…
It DOESN’T PAY TO ARGUE
In talking with people, do not start with discussing the things on which you differ. Begin by emphasizing and keep on emphasizing the things on which you agree.
That skilful speaker gets a number of “Yeses” at the beginning. This sets the psychological process of the listeners moving in the affirmative direction. The more “Yeses” you can get at the beginning, the more likely you are to succeed in capturing the attention for the ultimate proposal. Try to get that person saying “Yes, yes”.
Handling complaints
Let the other people talk themselves out. Let them tell you a few things. You may be tempted to interrupt, but do not. It’s dangerous. Listen patiently. Encourage them to express their ideas fully. It pays to let the other person do the talking. It helps not only in business, but in family situations.
When our friends excel, they feel important. When we excel at them, they feel inferior and envious. At least some of them. Talk about yourself less and listen more about other people they are more excited to talk about their accomplishments than listening to your boasting. Mention your achievements only when they ask.
Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers
You have much more faith in ideas with you discover for yourself then in the ideas that are handed to you on the silver spoon. No one like like to feel that he or she is being sold something. We all want to feel that we are buying – we are in control.
“Letting the other person feel that the idea is his or hers not only works in business and politics but in the family as well”
Dale Carnegie
“… I learned the best way to convert him to an idea was to plant it in his mind casually, but so as to interest him in it – so as to get him thinking about it on his own…” This is how women rule the world.
Always think from the other person’s point of view
Instead of getting upset – look at the situation from another person’s of view. Let the other person pour out his troubles. Pause and try to think the whole thing through from another person’s point of view.
Harvard Business School Dean, Mr. Donham said:
“I would rather walk the sidewalk in front of the office for two hours before an interview than step into “that office without a perfectly clear idea of what I was going to say and what that person was likely to answer…”