self-reflection

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I don’t need your advice. GIVE ME THE EXCUSE.

Congratulations! You just discovered something… This is gold! This is one of your blind spots that you were not aware of. It held you back for decades. Something inside of you gave a crack today and you got to sneak pic into the other side of the self. What do I mean? I mean that you realized something that will course-correct your life from now on. You want it or now, it will not be the same. The truth came out and you won’t escape it. The irony of it is that you don’t even need to do anything about it. The good news is that there is no action required on your side. The bad news is that you will live with this knowledge for the rest of your life. However, this knowledge can be a blessing, depending on how you use it. I will explain in a moment, but before I do I need to caution you – it will be uncomfortable. As always, if it doesn’t suck – we don’t do it. That’s the motto of our “Mental Masturbation” club. Welcome!

What do you do when you face a problem? You try to find a solution. You search for the information that will help you solve the problem you have. Right? When you need to know – you ask. First, you ask your parents, then teachers, friends, etc. How this, how that, what if, why so…? You drove your parents crazy with all those “stupid” questions. Remember how annoyed your father would get? What would you do if the people you ask don’t have the answers for you? If you are stubborn enough like me, you ask elsewhere. Books, articles, podcasts, videos, you name it. Countless pages were written on how to solve your exact problem. Eventually, you find the answers. You always do. It is just a question of time. The truth ALWAYS comes out… but only is you seek.

You have a chubby friend. No need to be politically correct here – he is fat. Why is he fat? Is it because he doesn’t know that eating junk will cause weight gain? Or maybe he does not realize that lack of physical activity leads to all sorts of problems and obesity? Of course not and he is well aware of all this. In fact, he knows so much about all different diets and probably can write a book on nutrition.

There is no shortage of information. Knowledge is never a problem.

No matter what the obstacle you face in life, it not unique. Hundreds of thousands of people before you wrestled with EXACTLY the same problem. Thousands of them solved it. They figured it out. Some of those folks even wrote about that. They laid out the exact steps they took and explained in simple words why it worked out for them. 99% of that information is accessible and 90% of it FREE! There is no shortage of information. Just freaking ask!!!

It’s good if you ask questions. Most people don’t. What do people do, whenever there is a problem? That’s right – they complain. This is the typical and initial reaction of 99% of people. I often catch myself complaining when something doesn’t go the pay I planned. No discoveries here – that’s expected. Most folks stop there – at the stage of complaining. Some, move further and after the initial wave of bitching had passed – they start asking questions. They try to figure it out. At least this is what it seems like on the outside. Ha-ha! This is where it gets interesting. Excited?

As I already said – you always get the answers. Everybody does, with no exceptions. You go into reading books and articles. You research. You ask others for advice. You even pay money for the answer, which can come in form of formal education or mentorship. You say: “I just don’t know what’s wrong, what should I do? I tied EVERYTHING, but it doesn’t work.” Oh, you are such a poor thing. I almost feel bad for you.

Sooner or later you get your answer… you either find it in a book or someone tells you. It can even come from a casual conversation with a stranger or a silly radio commercial. The universe finds the most unpredictable ways to deliver the answer to you. You then know exactly what to do. You’ve got it! Detailed instruction, a manual with a step-by-step process… But you are not happy with it. You are not satisfied. WTF Dude?! You just got the response to your request. It’s in your hands now, so go ahead and do something about it. Nope, you won’t do anything… You don’t think it’s gonna work out and you hesitate to take action. I can’t understand…

All of a sudden I realized – you were not looking for the answers. You were not looking for the solution. You were looking for the EXCUSE. You are looking for an excuse not to take action. All you were searching for was the validation of why it won’t work out. You read so many books and articles just to find out why it won’t work out. What a funny man you are. You were willing to spend so much of your own and other people’s time just to find a good excuse for not doing the hard work. Stop playing this game, where you seem to be looking for answers while in fact, you’re looking for excuses. Have enough guts and admit the following. Read on loud:

When faced with a problem that requires hard work to solve – I would rather spend an infinite amount of time researching for all the ways why it won’t work out, instead of doing the job.

Even if I were given information – the exact steps to take, which will help me overcome the obstacle, I will find a way to disregard it, if the amount of work to be done exceeds my expectations.

I am searching for a good enough reason to convince myself that I need to stop doing what I am doing only because it’s hard and potentially requires more work to do than I originally expected.

The reason why it did not and/or will not work out has to be external and totally out of my control. The excuse needs to be strong enough, so nobody will get the opportunity to question my abilities.

I want others to feel sorry for myself and be compassionate towards me. I want my problem seem to be unique, and the one that no one ever faced before, therefore there is no solution to it.

How does it feel on the inside? Won’t it be easier if you ask what you need straight ahead? You will get millions of reasons why it didn’t work out for you. Asking the right questions will make your life so much easier and you won’t have to waste your time doing all this research. All the answers are up there, for those who seek. The problem is not the lack of information, the problem is in people’s minds. People don’t know themselves. They don’t know what they really want and what they are driven by. Their minds are playing games. And your fat friend says fat. He continues to look for all the reasons why not to get on the bicycle. He discovers that he might be “big-boned” and has a genetic predisposition to obesity. It just doesn’t make sense to work out and eat healthily. Anyways he will stay fat. It’s out of his control, and everyone should feel sorry for him…

“The business didn’t work out because the timing was wrong. In addition, you could not predict the economic crisis – it’s out of your control. Also, you better stop investing more money into this venture, before you went bankrupt. Go back to 9-5-thing and life a peaceful life. You tried EVERYTHING! It just didn’t work out this time. Disregard all the advice that was given to you by others. They don’t know what they are speaking about. How would they, if they never did your kind of business. Strategies in books are also not relevant. Maybe they worked for somebody else, but your case is unique. Don’t waste your time on it. I am telling you – it will not work!”

How about that for an excuse? Sound familiar? Now check this out and type in Google: “The Skiver’s Guide”. There is another book written by Addie Johnson – “The Little Book of Big Excuses: More Strategies and Techniques for Faking It”. What a brilliant man – did all the work for you.

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6 Months in Basement. It does not worth the savings! Lessons Learned.

You want to save money. One of the ways to do so is to cut the expenses. If you live in a city and you are in your twenties I am 90% certain that you rent. This is your major expense. In Toronto, where I am from, the cost to rent is RIDICULOUSLY high. One bedroom apartment prices start at $2,200 /month. One bedroom… Start…

Whatever your goals are, you are determined to save some cash. You are willing to tighten belt for some time, so later you can live better. Do you save for the downpayment for your mortgage? If so – great! I encourage you to do so, so when you buy your own house – you pay your own mortgage, not someone else’s.

I used to rent the house not too far from the city. Great place: three stories, including basement; big fenced backyard; garage in a quiet safe family neighbourhood. Everything was great, besides one thing – the price. Lived there for a year and quickly got sick from paying off someone else’s mortgage. I decided enough and did not extend the lease for another year. I was going to scale down by finding something smaller and cheaper so I can safe more money faster. I moved into my buddy’s basement apartment. The price I agreed to pay was half the price I payed for the entire house. Never lived in basement before, I had no second thoughts about possible issues that could arise. “Anyways, I am here only temporary” – I told myself and moved in. The plan was to spend the winter there and move out as soon as the snow melt down. Not a long time, what can go wrong? I ended up occupying the shithole from November till May, 2020. Basement life for 6 months though me a few things that I MUST reflect on if I don’t want to fall back into the same trap again.

Lesson #1:
There is nothing more permanent than temporary.

Life happens and things that we plan almost never go according to the plan. COVID-19 happened and crushed almost all of my plans…

Lesson #2:
Don’t sign the long-term lease unless you absolutely have to.

If you decide to scale down and sacrifice your comfort for some period of time in exchange of money, do not tie yourself down to the shithole. You need to be able to pick up and leave at any time. Things will get ugly, you will get sick of it. When you reach the breaking point, there is nothing worse than feeling locked without a chance to change anything. No long-term leases, save your freedom.

Lesson #3:
You sacrifice your health.

You NEED the sunlight.
You NEED the fresh air.
You NEED warm place to live.

Those two are no-negotiable for your physical and mental well being. Few months into the cave, I’ve experienced what’s the basement life like and how it impacts my body.

  1. Resting Heart Rate. My normal RHR is 39-42 bpm during sleep. Living in the basement it became a norm to see RHR of 45 and up. Your body does not rest. Your body does not recover. Interesting fact: every time I slept elsewhere, I instantly saw the drop in resting heart rate.
  2. No Sunlight. There is no sunlight coming into the cave. It’s hard to tell in the morning if its day or night. I bought a few daylight lamps, which will turn on automatically each morning to awaken me. The last nail into the coffin was when the house owner put his backyard grill right against my tiny window, completely cutting any sunlight access. I didn’t tell him anything about that though, but probably should’ve as it bothered me. Living in a cave might work for a few weeks, not more. You NEED the sunlight, otherwise, vitamin D deficiency will start playing tricks on your mind and body. It did on me.
  3. Fresh air. Where do you think the water heater is located in the house? Central heating unit? Breaker box? I can tell you from my own experience – right beside your head. What do those gas heating appliances feed on, except electricity and gas? The air. Where is the air intake located? Exactly! In the basement. Living in the basement you get oxygen-deprived. What are the health implications of such living in such conditions? Also, not to mention that those appliances are noisy. The heater doesn’t have a schedule that it runs on. Day and night you will hear the machinery working. It is loud! Keep that in mind when you sing the basement lease.
  4. FREEZING cold. I spent the winter in the basement and I know exactly what it’s like. It was so cold that even my dog would sleep with his feel bent under him to stay warm. Sleeping in warm socks, pants and T-shirt became the norm. I would also put two blankets over to stay warm. Every morning was a struggle because you had to get out into the cold. My change of clothes had to be as fast as possible, otherwise, I would get the goosebumps from saying naked for more than 15 seconds. I don’t do well in cold, no-one does.
    Owner of the house was nice enough to get me the oil heater. It did absolutely no difference.

Basement Life is one of the major causes of Suicides and Depression.

*on my personal opinion =)

Lesson #4:
Child’s cry will make you INSANE.

Screaming Crying Baby

I love kids, don’t get me wrong however, I underestimated the power of a child’s cry. Little babies can’t talk, so anytime there is something wrong – they cry. I don’t know what’s a normal rate of them cry, but it seemed like the baby upstairs was crying no-stop. In the middle of the night, at 5 am, during the day. There is no schedule. Maybe they all cry so much or could be that parents are doing something wrong – not my business. Obviously, I have nothing against the child or parents, but if you try to put in few hours of concentrated work – it’s not going to happen. Earplugs don’t help. Noise-canceling headphones don’t help. Keep that in mind if you are looking to move into the place with small kids or babies.

Leeson #5:
It’s not worth the savings.

I’ve been thinking about getting out of the shithole for a while. I was not happy there and even my friends noticed the change in me. Quietly, all this negativity and coldness creep up on you and suck you in. ENOUGH! 6 months were enough for me to say enough and run away as fast as I could. I am not a picky man and live a pretty minimalistic lifestyle, however I cracked only after 6 months… A lot of people live like that for years! I genuinely feel for them. How long will you last?

Only after it moved out I realized how deep that hole had sucked me in. Leaving the shithole in my U-Haul I could not stop smiling. I felt such a relief! I am freeee! Now I live in a house, with big bright windows, backyard and lots of fresh air. Only three days as I’m here and I can’t stop enjoying it. I love it! I feel the energy comes back. The first night I slept above the ground, instantly my resting heart rate dropped to normal 39 bpm. I want to create, I am inspired to live. I smile to others and receive the smiles back. Huh, it feels like an escape from the prison of some kind… I am also grateful for a chance to chose the place to live. I realize that for many reasons, a lot of people don’t have the opportunity to get up and go so easily. That really sucks! I am sorry for those folks. However if you do have the opportunity to live in place that you like – don’t chose to save by compromising your living conditions.

It will cost you much more in terms of mental and physical health.

Nevertheless it was an experience and I learned from it. I think I did…
I am grateful for that period of my life because now I appreciate my new place a 100 times more. Now I know exactly where I don’t want to spend my life and what I need to remain happy and healthy.