self improvement

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I don’t need your advice. GIVE ME THE EXCUSE.

Congratulations! You just discovered something… This is gold! This is one of your blind spots that you were not aware of. It held you back for decades. Something inside of you gave a crack today and you got to sneak pic into the other side of the self. What do I mean? I mean that you realized something that will course-correct your life from now on. You want it or now, it will not be the same. The truth came out and you won’t escape it. The irony of it is that you don’t even need to do anything about it. The good news is that there is no action required on your side. The bad news is that you will live with this knowledge for the rest of your life. However, this knowledge can be a blessing, depending on how you use it. I will explain in a moment, but before I do I need to caution you – it will be uncomfortable. As always, if it doesn’t suck – we don’t do it. That’s the motto of our “Mental Masturbation” club. Welcome!

What do you do when you face a problem? You try to find a solution. You search for the information that will help you solve the problem you have. Right? When you need to know – you ask. First, you ask your parents, then teachers, friends, etc. How this, how that, what if, why so…? You drove your parents crazy with all those “stupid” questions. Remember how annoyed your father would get? What would you do if the people you ask don’t have the answers for you? If you are stubborn enough like me, you ask elsewhere. Books, articles, podcasts, videos, you name it. Countless pages were written on how to solve your exact problem. Eventually, you find the answers. You always do. It is just a question of time. The truth ALWAYS comes out… but only is you seek.

You have a chubby friend. No need to be politically correct here – he is fat. Why is he fat? Is it because he doesn’t know that eating junk will cause weight gain? Or maybe he does not realize that lack of physical activity leads to all sorts of problems and obesity? Of course not and he is well aware of all this. In fact, he knows so much about all different diets and probably can write a book on nutrition.

There is no shortage of information. Knowledge is never a problem.

No matter what the obstacle you face in life, it not unique. Hundreds of thousands of people before you wrestled with EXACTLY the same problem. Thousands of them solved it. They figured it out. Some of those folks even wrote about that. They laid out the exact steps they took and explained in simple words why it worked out for them. 99% of that information is accessible and 90% of it FREE! There is no shortage of information. Just freaking ask!!!

It’s good if you ask questions. Most people don’t. What do people do, whenever there is a problem? That’s right – they complain. This is the typical and initial reaction of 99% of people. I often catch myself complaining when something doesn’t go the pay I planned. No discoveries here – that’s expected. Most folks stop there – at the stage of complaining. Some, move further and after the initial wave of bitching had passed – they start asking questions. They try to figure it out. At least this is what it seems like on the outside. Ha-ha! This is where it gets interesting. Excited?

As I already said – you always get the answers. Everybody does, with no exceptions. You go into reading books and articles. You research. You ask others for advice. You even pay money for the answer, which can come in form of formal education or mentorship. You say: “I just don’t know what’s wrong, what should I do? I tied EVERYTHING, but it doesn’t work.” Oh, you are such a poor thing. I almost feel bad for you.

Sooner or later you get your answer… you either find it in a book or someone tells you. It can even come from a casual conversation with a stranger or a silly radio commercial. The universe finds the most unpredictable ways to deliver the answer to you. You then know exactly what to do. You’ve got it! Detailed instruction, a manual with a step-by-step process… But you are not happy with it. You are not satisfied. WTF Dude?! You just got the response to your request. It’s in your hands now, so go ahead and do something about it. Nope, you won’t do anything… You don’t think it’s gonna work out and you hesitate to take action. I can’t understand…

All of a sudden I realized – you were not looking for the answers. You were not looking for the solution. You were looking for the EXCUSE. You are looking for an excuse not to take action. All you were searching for was the validation of why it won’t work out. You read so many books and articles just to find out why it won’t work out. What a funny man you are. You were willing to spend so much of your own and other people’s time just to find a good excuse for not doing the hard work. Stop playing this game, where you seem to be looking for answers while in fact, you’re looking for excuses. Have enough guts and admit the following. Read on loud:

When faced with a problem that requires hard work to solve – I would rather spend an infinite amount of time researching for all the ways why it won’t work out, instead of doing the job.

Even if I were given information – the exact steps to take, which will help me overcome the obstacle, I will find a way to disregard it, if the amount of work to be done exceeds my expectations.

I am searching for a good enough reason to convince myself that I need to stop doing what I am doing only because it’s hard and potentially requires more work to do than I originally expected.

The reason why it did not and/or will not work out has to be external and totally out of my control. The excuse needs to be strong enough, so nobody will get the opportunity to question my abilities.

I want others to feel sorry for myself and be compassionate towards me. I want my problem seem to be unique, and the one that no one ever faced before, therefore there is no solution to it.

How does it feel on the inside? Won’t it be easier if you ask what you need straight ahead? You will get millions of reasons why it didn’t work out for you. Asking the right questions will make your life so much easier and you won’t have to waste your time doing all this research. All the answers are up there, for those who seek. The problem is not the lack of information, the problem is in people’s minds. People don’t know themselves. They don’t know what they really want and what they are driven by. Their minds are playing games. And your fat friend says fat. He continues to look for all the reasons why not to get on the bicycle. He discovers that he might be “big-boned” and has a genetic predisposition to obesity. It just doesn’t make sense to work out and eat healthily. Anyways he will stay fat. It’s out of his control, and everyone should feel sorry for him…

“The business didn’t work out because the timing was wrong. In addition, you could not predict the economic crisis – it’s out of your control. Also, you better stop investing more money into this venture, before you went bankrupt. Go back to 9-5-thing and life a peaceful life. You tried EVERYTHING! It just didn’t work out this time. Disregard all the advice that was given to you by others. They don’t know what they are speaking about. How would they, if they never did your kind of business. Strategies in books are also not relevant. Maybe they worked for somebody else, but your case is unique. Don’t waste your time on it. I am telling you – it will not work!”

How about that for an excuse? Sound familiar? Now check this out and type in Google: “The Skiver’s Guide”. There is another book written by Addie Johnson – “The Little Book of Big Excuses: More Strategies and Techniques for Faking It”. What a brilliant man – did all the work for you.

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I DON’T WANT TO DIE

WITHOUT SCARS

You said you wanted to be free. You wanted to be free to use your time the way you desire. You wanted to be able to choose the things you want to work on. You wanted to be working on things that are interesting to you and keep you excited. Travel! – It was a big one. You wanted to travel and live anywhere you want. You wanted to have no strings attached and be able to pick up and go anytime you decided so. When your friend asked you: “What are you gonna do with all this freedom?” Remember what your reply was? 

“Well… I have lots of things to do.  I would train as much as I want. I would ride my bicycle in beautiful places all over Canada and the USA. I will swim in warm lakes and run gorgeous trails. I will finally get a chance to finish writing my books and publish them. I would draw pictures. I would sleep until the middle of the day, and I would stay up till midnight without worrying about having to wake up early for work the next day. I would attend networking and meeting events, where I would make friends and connect with like-minded people. I would watch great movies, listen to podcasts, and read books all day long. I would meditate and practice yoga… I would grow mentally, physically, and spiritually.”

This was YOUR definition of freedom. This is what YOU were striving for just a month ago. Nobody decided for you. 

You also asked to be free from having to work. You hated the 8 to 5 thing – office work. You said you feel trapped in between four walls. I gave you the opportunity to work remotely. 100% remote high paying job. You kept on searching. You weren’t happy with that gift. You then said that you didn’t feel fulfilled. You wanted to create something of your own. To work with passion! Passion was the ask. I let you chose your passion. Go for it! You got what you asked for. Here you have as much time as you could only have. There is no need to go to the office. No more meetings. No more projects. No more long to-do lists. You no longer need to commute in traffic or subway. You can sleep all day long as you wish, there is no need to wake up early in the morning either. Also, here is money for you which would last you two years and you can easily stretch it to three years. Then who knows what happens, you will figure something out. No need to work on anyone or anything to make a living. FREEDOM! You have enough to eat good food and have a shelter over the head. A warm bed to sleep and the opportunity to travel. Your basic needs are covered. Sasha, I took care of everything, so you can finally dedicate all your time to travel, training, writing, reading, or just doing whatever you want. I gave you all you asked, didn’t I? I kept you healthy so you can enjoy this freedom – the best years of your life. I even sent you a companion. Blake is the smartest, the most lovable and loyal dog. You two can create a great story while keeping each other company. 
So, do you have all you asked for? 

“Yes… I do…” 

Are you finally happy now? Do you enjoy your freedom? Tell me, where you at right now? You must be somewhere beautiful. Maybe fishing in British Columbia? There would be a great place to ride a bike and train on higher altitudes. This is what world-class athletes do, right? 

“…no, I am not in BC. I don’t fish. I don’t read. I rarely write. I don’t make friends, neither do I go to any events. My training is not that great either… just a habit.  There is much more to it. I don’t have time for anything. I am free on the outside, but dead trapped on the inside. I don’t have time to call my family or friends. I could not afford to sit still through a movie. No time to read a book I enjoy. I have to read only what’s relevant, that’s what they say. Reading for the sake of reading is a waste of time, guru says. Meditation, yoga, spirituality, etc. – why? Training, running around like a squirrel with the head chopped off – why? 
I don’t travel but sit in my bedroom, in the village of Sarnia. Surrounded by toothless neighbors smoking dope.”

Hey, wait a second. I gave you the opportunity to choose! I remember I did. You can choose the place to live, and you are free to do whatever you wish. 

“Yes, you did, and I chose. I chose to stay in this town to launch the business. Two businesses. I said that I want to create something on my own, something I can be proud of. I am miserable… Anything I touch turns into crap. I burn the money you gave me and I realize I waste the time and freedom. Continuous chatter in my head never stops… never. No matter what I do or don’t do – thoughts keep on running and running. It is exhausting. It is disappointing. I am disappointed in myself because I can never be happy. I realize how fortunate I am. I see all the things to be grateful for and I am…. Grateful, but not happy. You gave me all I asked for, but the second it gets in my hands – I devalue everything. I beat myself up for not being able to slow down and enjoy. I am exhausted and tired from myself… All I wish is a break. Just a fucking break from thoughts. A break from this mind which always seeks the things to occupy itself with. It can not sit still. It keeps itself distracted so there is no room to face itself.

Throughout my life, I learned that material possessions don’t make me happy. Neither drugs nor alcohol help to slow down the mind, only if temporary. Indulging in food don’t work either. Others don’t have capability to change anything for me. Neither friends or loved ones. I shed away so many self-numbing things so now I am exposed to all the unsolved internal issues. There is no more anesthesia to go through life.

I keep on asking for more, and you keep on giving. I am never freaking happy. I am feeling disappointed in myself and I don’t want anything anymore. I know, no matter where I am and what I do – I won’t find stillness and happiness. There is no escape from my mind. I will continue looking over the fence in search for another thing to get distracted with. Never enough, always searching. Like a drug addict – I need a stimulus. I will continue running when I could just sit and enjoy it. I will not see the beauty around me, because I will be too busy with doing all kind of things… Don’t waste your time on me. Go make someone else happy. 

I am not capable of happiness”  

I am mad… I am done being nice and helping you out. I am tired of seeing you beating yourself down, despite everything I do for you. This no longer a dialog, so shut up and listen.

Everything in life comes and goes in waves. There is nothing wrong with feeling down. There is nothing wrong with feeling like a piece of shit. Just realize – it will pass. Don’t strive to be happy, forget about that. There is no such fucking thing as happiness, it’s just a concept. What do you need to strive for is to become better at embracing the suck. Become better at enduring the pain and making it through the hard times. Let it be hard, let the life kick you in the balls, dive deep into the hard feelings. It cannot suck forever! It’s against the law of nature to suck forever. Everything comes and goes in waves. Rise and fall. Everything has to be in balance. If it sucks right now it will be equally better in the future. The darker it is now, the brighter it will get later. Learn how to navigate the hard times, utilize your energy, and the resources wisely. There is always something you can do, even at the lowest states of mind. 

Do you have guts to sit with your discomfort? Do you have enough endurance to face it and suck it all up as you own it? Stop fucking crying and bitching about the things that didn’t happen exactly the way you wanted them to happen. Stop feeling sorry for yourself! YOU ARE NOT THE VICTIM, so stop acting like one. We are not in kindergarten any longer. No one is going to hold your hand and pet your head. If you don’t like the game you play – change the game, change the rules if you can, or just fucking quit. You always have a choice to quit. No one’s holding you hostage on this Planet. Pull the trigger if it’s too hard for you. You want everything to be easy. The game will not be interesting without the challenges, am I right? No one ever will play a game where they always win. What’s the point of such a stupid game? Why would you even want to play such? I won’t… You can even play a game of a victim if you really want. See how good can you get with feeling sorry for yourself and finding all the reasons why the world is not fair to you. Let’s see how many reasons can you come up with it? Let’s see how many people can you convince to feel sorry for yourself? Wanna play?

You set expectations, you plan. Oh yeah, you are a big planner. Everything has to be only the way you want it to be. A slight deviation from the plan coincided to be nothing but a failure. Personal failure. Something didn’t work out exactly the way you decided it should, and all of a sudden you disregard yourself as a human being. You didn’t just fail in one thing, you failed in life. No reason to live for such a looser as yourself. Right? If so, why wait? Pull the damn trigger and make space for someone who is not such a wimp. No one gives a fuck, you live or die. Your parents and friends would drop a few tears, and move on with their own lives. No one cares you are strong and happy or you are miserable. There are no spectators of your misery. Nobody cares! Everybody is busy with their own lives and there is nothing wrong with it. The World does not care! 

There is a guy who was not born yet and waiting for the vacant slot on this planet. He has enough guts to stand up after falling and keep pushing. He does not look at his failures as the end of the world and he does not beat himself up every time something doesn’t work out as planned. He will fail so many times that he will get awarded with the title: “The most successful failure of all times”. But you… You go… it is too hard for you. Too disappointing. You’ve had enough, and you tried everything. You have proven countless times that this World is an unfair place to live and you are on the unfortunate side of it. Maybe in the next life, you will get luckier. Have you thought, what if there is such a thing as reincarnation? Quit this miserable existence of yours, so maybe you can re-bord with a huge inheritance from your rich parents. Maybe not… Life is not worth living unless you are a “successful success” with a six-pack, a personal jet and billions on the bank account. Also, you don’t have 1 million followers on Instagram. And you don’t have a supermodel wife. And you drive a piece of shit. And… Should I continue? You’re much better at beating yourself down, so you continue…

“You just have to relax.”, they say. “Chill out, dude”. “You are just tired. Take a break.” If you can’t on your own – smoke some weed or have a glass of wine. Play a video game. Find the escape in food and binge on junk food. Oh yeah, sugar and fat – sweet and salty. There are countless self-destructive ways to escape the reality of life. 

Would you go to church, or maybe you prefer a guided meditation class? How about anonymous depression chat rooms? Attend some closed meetings, where you can get a bit of compassion. Anonymous suicide survivors group, you will find compassion there. Do anything that help to escape the mental pain. Runaway from it! Anything that makes you feel better about yourself. First, you beat yourself down mentally, then go seek some compassion. You need spectators to watch your masochistic movie. What an entertainment!

You meditate daily, read smart books, listen to self-improving podcasts, watch documentaries. You also a “health nut”. “Eat clean, train hard. No pain – no gain.” All that jazz… Does it sound like you?

You are a “clever guy”. How is it working out for you? Happy?

How much can you know about yourself if you never been in the fight?

You don’t want to die without scars. Do you?

You are a 30-year boy, raised by women. You are afraid to get hurt. You can challenge yourself in so many ways. You can make your life so interesting, but you are afraid. You are soft. You can not endure the pain that inevitably comes with trying and failing. You would rather do what’s comfortable, so you don’t risk. You are willing to work longer and harder, in exchange for stability and certainty. You want to play it safe. You want to play by the rules. Financially stable and secure. What a good boy! Useful to society and respected by others – an exemplary citizen. Calm and nice to others. Never cause any problems.

How is it working out for you bud? Happy?

You will lose everything. 
Only until after you will be free. 

Have I ever let us down? How far have you come because of me? As always, I will bring us through this. I will carry you kicking and screaming and in the end, you will thank me… We did not finish yet. This is just a beginning and I take over the steering wheel here. Hard times require strong leaders and radical actions. I will not let us fall back, no matter what. Hear me? I will not let us down. Listen to me and do what I say. Don’t be afraid and do not procrastinate. It is going to hurt. The pain will still be there, but we will use it as jet fuel. Others quit, we stay. Other people seek stability and comfort, we run away from it. Leave self-improvement to others. We are done studying theory. You are already too clever. We practice. We learn to swim by jumping off the boat in the midst of the storm. 

You tried your way, now let me rule. 

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Review & Reflect. Past & Future

TO BE THE BEST YOURSELF
TO BE THE MOST IMPACTFUL

Why set the goals? What’s the purpose for having them in writing? So many people live their lives without having any goals or specific long-term plans written. They do just fine, so why? You got to enjoy the life! Chill out! Go with a flow. Follow the stream of life. The life is short.

I can agree only on with a fact that the life is short and you should enjoy every single day of your existence. However I don’t want to live by the flow. I doesn’t mean swimming against a current. I am wired differently than people who look at the life through such lenses. I am made for a challenge, I am a warrior. Not to fight, but to break the limits. Not to be against, but to be in peace. If you are like me, than goal setting should make sense to you.

2020 gives us a chance to start from the “blank page”. It gives hope that things will magically change, making all the dreams come true. In the new year we are all billionaires, fit, and happy. New Year is just another version of magical “tomorrow”, where we start eating healthy, exercise, and live meaningful lives. I don’t have this hope anymore. I am 110% responsible for my past, present and future, therefore there is no place for hope in this equation.

Growth is our Mandate

The year is over. Draw the line, count your wins with losses. It takes work to review and evaluate. However if its too difficult for you, if you don’t have time – that’s okay. Go back to living the way you did for the past year. Please continue blaming everyone and everything, for not living the best life you possibly could. You absolutely have the right to do so and I don’t blame you. However if you are committed to growth, if you you are a warrior – I respect you. By writing the goals we create a roadmap for us to follow. The roadmap towards personal growth and development. For you, I wrote this post to help you look back and evaluate your past year’s goals, assuming you’ve had any. I put together the list of questions you must ask yourself to get a handle on the past year.

20 Questions to Review the Past Year

  1. In one or two sentences, describe the past year.
  2. How realistic were your goals? Which were unrealistic? Which were close to reality?
  3. How many of your goals were short-term, how many long-term? Do you need to focus more on a bigger picture?
  4. How did you track the progress of your goals? What have worked well and where have you struggled the most?
  5. Which goals were the easiest to achieve? Which were the hardest?
  6. Which activities or events brought you the most joy and happiness?
  7. Pursuing which goals made you miserable?
  8. Where do you feel like you could’ve done a better job?
  9. In which areas of your life you feel like you could improve or put more emphasis on? Which areas have you focused on the most?
  10. What were your biggest wins this year? What are you proud the most?
  11. What were the most important lessons you learned this year? What did 2019 has taught you?
  12. What are the things that happened to you this year that you are grateful for the most?
  13. What personal quality(s) have you developed this year, you haven’t had before? 
  14. Which things/areas of your life are still important to you?
  15. Which pursuits are not relevant anymore and you would like to drop?
  16. What habits would you like to stop?
  17. Developing OR maintaining what habits will improve the quality of your life?
  18. What were the places you felt the happiest at?
  19. Who are the people you are grateful for the most?
  20. Doing which activities brought the most joy and happiness, in short or long-term?

How do you feel now, after answering some of or all the questions? Do you feel more clear, maybe more grateful or like a complete loser? What’s on your mind? Write it all out. Later you will use it to plan ahead into the new year.

Plan Ahead

Last year I wrote the post called “Close your eyes and imagine 2019 is over”. It is the guidance for planning the upcoming year’s goals. Information is still relevant and if you need a place to start, go ahead and click on the link above.

In brief:

  • Phrase your choices in the NOW.
  • Phrase your choices in the POSITIVE . The mind doesn’t translate words of negation, such as not , don’t , or stop.
  • Eliminate the word “WANT”. Replace the word want with have. I have a strong body; I have relationships of love and respect etc.
  • Define your top priorities for the coming year? What’s most important to you?
  • What will you need to achieve your goals, based on priorities you described? What habits will you need to develop? How much of resources will you need (money, time, connections with people… etc.)
  • Which goals will you transfer and continue pursuing in the new year?
  • Optional:
    • What will it cost you to not achieve your goals?
    • What are the activities you need to do consistently in order to achieve your goal in each of priority areas?

I went through this process myself. However, I will not share my review, as no-one should really care. It’s your own life and you do it just for yourself. I can say it was not easy and it took me a few weeks to complete the review. Planning is always a work in progress. You change, your environment change, your goals change. You HAVE to be flexible, you have to adjust. That is why don’t put the dot at the end of the list of your goals. Put three …