I DON’T WANT TO DIE
WITHOUT SCARS
You said you wanted to be free. You wanted to be free to use your time the way you desire. You wanted to be able to choose the things you want to work on. You wanted to be working on things that are interesting to you and keep you excited. Travel! – It was a big one. You wanted to travel and live anywhere you want. You wanted to have no strings attached and be able to pick up and go anytime you decided so. When your friend asked you: “What are you gonna do with all this freedom?” Remember what your reply was?
“Well… I have lots of things to do. I would train as much as I want. I would ride my bicycle in beautiful places all over Canada and the USA. I will swim in warm lakes and run gorgeous trails. I will finally get a chance to finish writing my books and publish them. I would draw pictures. I would sleep until the middle of the day, and I would stay up till midnight without worrying about having to wake up early for work the next day. I would attend networking and meeting events, where I would make friends and connect with like-minded people. I would watch great movies, listen to podcasts, and read books all day long. I would meditate and practice yoga… I would grow mentally, physically, and spiritually.”
This was YOUR definition of freedom. This is what YOU were striving for just a month ago. Nobody decided for you.
You also asked to be free from having to work. You hated the 8 to 5 thing – office work. You said you feel trapped in between four walls. I gave you the opportunity to work remotely. 100% remote high paying job. You kept on searching. You weren’t happy with that gift. You then said that you didn’t feel fulfilled. You wanted to create something of your own. To work with passion! Passion was the ask. I let you chose your passion. Go for it! You got what you asked for. Here you have as much time as you could only have. There is no need to go to the office. No more meetings. No more projects. No more long to-do lists. You no longer need to commute in traffic or subway. You can sleep all day long as you wish, there is no need to wake up early in the morning either. Also, here is money for you which would last you two years and you can easily stretch it to three years. Then who knows what happens, you will figure something out. No need to work on anyone or anything to make a living. FREEDOM! You have enough to eat good food and have a shelter over the head. A warm bed to sleep and the opportunity to travel. Your basic needs are covered. Sasha, I took care of everything, so you can finally dedicate all your time to travel, training, writing, reading, or just doing whatever you want. I gave you all you asked, didn’t I? I kept you healthy so you can enjoy this freedom – the best years of your life. I even sent you a companion. Blake is the smartest, the most lovable and loyal dog. You two can create a great story while keeping each other company.
So, do you have all you asked for?
“Yes… I do…”
Are you finally happy now? Do you enjoy your freedom? Tell me, where you at right now? You must be somewhere beautiful. Maybe fishing in British Columbia? There would be a great place to ride a bike and train on higher altitudes. This is what world-class athletes do, right?
“…no, I am not in BC. I don’t fish. I don’t read. I rarely write. I don’t make friends, neither do I go to any events. My training is not that great either… just a habit. There is much more to it. I don’t have time for anything. I am free on the outside, but dead trapped on the inside. I don’t have time to call my family or friends. I could not afford to sit still through a movie. No time to read a book I enjoy. I have to read only what’s relevant, that’s what they say. Reading for the sake of reading is a waste of time, guru says. Meditation, yoga, spirituality, etc. – why? Training, running around like a squirrel with the head chopped off – why?
I don’t travel but sit in my bedroom, in the village of Sarnia. Surrounded by toothless neighbors smoking dope.”
Hey, wait a second. I gave you the opportunity to choose! I remember I did. You can choose the place to live, and you are free to do whatever you wish.
“Yes, you did, and I chose. I chose to stay in this town to launch the business. Two businesses. I said that I want to create something on my own, something I can be proud of. I am miserable… Anything I touch turns into crap. I burn the money you gave me and I realize I waste the time and freedom. Continuous chatter in my head never stops… never. No matter what I do or don’t do – thoughts keep on running and running. It is exhausting. It is disappointing. I am disappointed in myself because I can never be happy. I realize how fortunate I am. I see all the things to be grateful for and I am…. Grateful, but not happy. You gave me all I asked for, but the second it gets in my hands – I devalue everything. I beat myself up for not being able to slow down and enjoy. I am exhausted and tired from myself… All I wish is a break. Just a fucking break from thoughts. A break from this mind which always seeks the things to occupy itself with. It can not sit still. It keeps itself distracted so there is no room to face itself.
Throughout my life, I learned that material possessions don’t make me happy. Neither drugs nor alcohol help to slow down the mind, only if temporary. Indulging in food don’t work either. Others don’t have capability to change anything for me. Neither friends or loved ones. I shed away so many self-numbing things so now I am exposed to all the unsolved internal issues. There is no more anesthesia to go through life.
I keep on asking for more, and you keep on giving. I am never freaking happy. I am feeling disappointed in myself and I don’t want anything anymore. I know, no matter where I am and what I do – I won’t find stillness and happiness. There is no escape from my mind. I will continue looking over the fence in search for another thing to get distracted with. Never enough, always searching. Like a drug addict – I need a stimulus. I will continue running when I could just sit and enjoy it. I will not see the beauty around me, because I will be too busy with doing all kind of things… Don’t waste your time on me. Go make someone else happy.
I am not capable of happiness”
I am mad… I am done being nice and helping you out. I am tired of seeing you beating yourself down, despite everything I do for you. This no longer a dialog, so shut up and listen.
Everything in life comes and goes in waves. There is nothing wrong with feeling down. There is nothing wrong with feeling like a piece of shit. Just realize – it will pass. Don’t strive to be happy, forget about that. There is no such fucking thing as happiness, it’s just a concept. What do you need to strive for is to become better at embracing the suck. Become better at enduring the pain and making it through the hard times. Let it be hard, let the life kick you in the balls, dive deep into the hard feelings. It cannot suck forever! It’s against the law of nature to suck forever. Everything comes and goes in waves. Rise and fall. Everything has to be in balance. If it sucks right now it will be equally better in the future. The darker it is now, the brighter it will get later. Learn how to navigate the hard times, utilize your energy, and the resources wisely. There is always something you can do, even at the lowest states of mind.
Do you have guts to sit with your discomfort? Do you have enough endurance to face it and suck it all up as you own it? Stop fucking crying and bitching about the things that didn’t happen exactly the way you wanted them to happen. Stop feeling sorry for yourself! YOU ARE NOT THE VICTIM, so stop acting like one. We are not in kindergarten any longer. No one is going to hold your hand and pet your head. If you don’t like the game you play – change the game, change the rules if you can, or just fucking quit. You always have a choice to quit. No one’s holding you hostage on this Planet. Pull the trigger if it’s too hard for you. You want everything to be easy. The game will not be interesting without the challenges, am I right? No one ever will play a game where they always win. What’s the point of such a stupid game? Why would you even want to play such? I won’t… You can even play a game of a victim if you really want. See how good can you get with feeling sorry for yourself and finding all the reasons why the world is not fair to you. Let’s see how many reasons can you come up with it? Let’s see how many people can you convince to feel sorry for yourself? Wanna play?
You set expectations, you plan. Oh yeah, you are a big planner. Everything has to be only the way you want it to be. A slight deviation from the plan coincided to be nothing but a failure. Personal failure. Something didn’t work out exactly the way you decided it should, and all of a sudden you disregard yourself as a human being. You didn’t just fail in one thing, you failed in life. No reason to live for such a looser as yourself. Right? If so, why wait? Pull the damn trigger and make space for someone who is not such a wimp. No one gives a fuck, you live or die. Your parents and friends would drop a few tears, and move on with their own lives. No one cares you are strong and happy or you are miserable. There are no spectators of your misery. Nobody cares! Everybody is busy with their own lives and there is nothing wrong with it. The World does not care!
There is a guy who was not born yet and waiting for the vacant slot on this planet. He has enough guts to stand up after falling and keep pushing. He does not look at his failures as the end of the world and he does not beat himself up every time something doesn’t work out as planned. He will fail so many times that he will get awarded with the title: “The most successful failure of all times”. But you… You go… it is too hard for you. Too disappointing. You’ve had enough, and you tried everything. You have proven countless times that this World is an unfair place to live and you are on the unfortunate side of it. Maybe in the next life, you will get luckier. Have you thought, what if there is such a thing as reincarnation? Quit this miserable existence of yours, so maybe you can re-bord with a huge inheritance from your rich parents. Maybe not… Life is not worth living unless you are a “successful success” with a six-pack, a personal jet and billions on the bank account. Also, you don’t have 1 million followers on Instagram. And you don’t have a supermodel wife. And you drive a piece of shit. And… Should I continue? You’re much better at beating yourself down, so you continue…
“You just have to relax.”, they say. “Chill out, dude”. “You are just tired. Take a break.” If you can’t on your own – smoke some weed or have a glass of wine. Play a video game. Find the escape in food and binge on junk food. Oh yeah, sugar and fat – sweet and salty. There are countless self-destructive ways to escape the reality of life.
Would you go to church, or maybe you prefer a guided meditation class? How about anonymous depression chat rooms? Attend some closed meetings, where you can get a bit of compassion. Anonymous suicide survivors group, you will find compassion there. Do anything that help to escape the mental pain. Runaway from it! Anything that makes you feel better about yourself. First, you beat yourself down mentally, then go seek some compassion. You need spectators to watch your masochistic movie. What an entertainment!
You meditate daily, read smart books, listen to self-improving podcasts, watch documentaries. You also a “health nut”. “Eat clean, train hard. No pain – no gain.” All that jazz… Does it sound like you?
You are a “clever guy”. How is it working out for you? Happy?
How much can you know about yourself if you never been in the fight?
You don’t want to die without scars. Do you?
You are a 30-year boy, raised by women. You are afraid to get hurt. You can challenge yourself in so many ways. You can make your life so interesting, but you are afraid. You are soft. You can not endure the pain that inevitably comes with trying and failing. You would rather do what’s comfortable, so you don’t risk. You are willing to work longer and harder, in exchange for stability and certainty. You want to play it safe. You want to play by the rules. Financially stable and secure. What a good boy! Useful to society and respected by others – an exemplary citizen. Calm and nice to others. Never cause any problems.
How is it working out for you bud? Happy?
You will lose everything.
Only until after you will be free.
Have I ever let us down? How far have you come because of me? As always, I will bring us through this. I will carry you kicking and screaming and in the end, you will thank me… We did not finish yet. This is just a beginning and I take over the steering wheel here. Hard times require strong leaders and radical actions. I will not let us fall back, no matter what. Hear me? I will not let us down. Listen to me and do what I say. Don’t be afraid and do not procrastinate. It is going to hurt. The pain will still be there, but we will use it as jet fuel. Others quit, we stay. Other people seek stability and comfort, we run away from it. Leave self-improvement to others. We are done studying theory. You are already too clever. We practice. We learn to swim by jumping off the boat in the midst of the storm.
You tried your way, now let me rule.