I am disgusted with myself. I am annoyed by people around me. Everybody act… Everyone creates a story for themselves and tries so hard to make others believe in it. If you don’t buy into their stories – they hate you. People see themselves so much better than they really are. I am just like everybody else – swimming in my own illusions. I am no better than my dog. My life is a product of my habits which were formed in a response to the environment I live in. Most of them don’t serve me anymore, but I can’t break them. I am weak. Even my thoughts are habitual. I observe myself thinking the same thoughts day after day… while my life passes by.
I am depressed… again. How am I better than a dog? I am not. I cannot resist my cravings and urges. External circumstances dictate my moods and actions. I am no more than a leaf on a wind. I am disgusted by my inability to control myself. I am a creature of habit. I do the same things every day. I feel the same feelings every day. I eat the same food every day. I have the same thoughts every day. I am sick and tired and I don’t see a way to break free.
I don’t want to leave like that, and I don’t know how to change. The old self needs to die. He has to leave! I am angry, aggravated and frustrated… at myself. I am trapped in my body with its habits and flaws.
She said that I am too hard on myself. She said that I need to take a break… No! That’s not what I need. I need to kill the little bitch inside my head – the slave. I keep repeating the story of myself. I want to let go of my old self. The old story of myself is not relevant anymore. The old world is too tight for me. I want to break free. I want to become a master of my thoughts and actions. I want to be in full control of my thoughts and feelings. Nothing external can change my mood. Nothing and no one can cause me to feel any other way, rather than the way I decide to. No external circumstances can dictate my actions. Otherwise, I don’t want to live such a life. I am offering my life for a chance to reinvent myself. If necessary, I will embrace the pain. I will work as hard as I can to change myself. I will fight, I will bite – so I can kill the slave inside of my. Self-limiting beliefs. The feeling of unworthiness. Not smart enough, not good enough. Never ever do I want to hear this chatter in my head. I AM ENOUGH! I am worthy of anything that I can imagine. I am so much more, but I don’t let myself grow. I keep myself in my box, where everything is familiar. The slave inside needs to die.
From now on, I am gonna do the complete opposite of what the bitch voice inside of my head is telling me not to do. I want to change. I wanted it in my bones. I am sick from my old self.