I am the fattest that I’ve ever been

I am the fattest that I have ever been in the past three years. It bothers me. Not so much the weight but the psychological side of things. I realize that the problem is much bigger than eating less and exercising more.

Like many others, I am going through some hard times. Coronavirus pushed me way out of my comfort zone, so my mind had to figure out how to cope with high levels of stress and anxiety. It didn’t take long to fall back into the old, proven coping method – the food.

I could force myself to lose weight. I’ve done it before. Using the brute force of willpower, I lost 40 pounds in less than 2 months in the spring of 2017.

It took a toll on my body. I messed up my hormones and gallbladder. I got away with it, just because I was young enough to handle such abuse. This is not the route I want to pursue again and it won’t be the solution. It will not address the root cause, because the problem is not the extra weight itself, nor the food. The problem is in my head – I am addicted.

I want to fix the issue, not the symptom. I want to get to its core, so I never have to come back to it again. I want to get out of this endless cycle of gaining and losing. The cycle of abundance and restriction.

I’ve been thinking a lot… I’ve been analyzing my past. I’ve been asking myself a lot of uncomfortable questions. I’ve been studying literature and talking to others. By figuring out my own problem, I feel I could help others. My strength is analysis. I will use myself as a guinea pig and try to solve this puzzle. I will write about my path to breaking food addiction.