I remember the time in Phoenix, Arizona… I just graduated, broke up with my girlfriend and was about to get kicked out of the country. At that point in my life, I was miserable.
I remember going to “Low Key Piano Bar” on Mill Ave. I loved that bar for its live performances and the kind of people that came. I remember getting drunk and walking back home feeling sorry for myself. I was completely immersed in my problems. Despite the efforts, I could not find a job. I did not want to return back to the shithole that I came from and there was no way for me to stay in the US. I had no one to help. It was a dark, dark time in my life.
However, I did find a job. It gave me the opportunity to stay in the country. I made very good money and I truly enjoyed it. Everything worked out better than I could’ve expected. Question: Would have everything happen the way it did if I wasn’t killing myself over it? What if I took all the same actions, continued applying and banging on different doors, but while being cheerful and easy-going? Did I have to be so serious about it? Were my tears a necessary requirement to make it through? I am not sure… What if things happen the way they are, regardless of us crying our ass off or not? I wish I could test that…
Looking back, I regret taking things so close to the heart. I regret worrying so much. That nerves cost me a lot of years of my life. Moreover, I could’ve already killed myself. I am glad I didn’t, otherwise I would not get to enjoy what was ahead.
Why are we afraid to smile and laugh when things go south? Do you think that crying and beating yourself down will help? It might… or not. I am not sure. At what point in life did we start associate challenges with feeling down? Are we afraid of being judged for not grieving for the people who passed away? What if no one was watching – would you still feel bad for yourself? For the most part, you make yourself feel bad because you get something for that. Do you know what that is?
We do it because we are looking for attention – this is all that it is. If there was no one to watch us suffer, we would stand back up and continue walking as nothing happened. If we had no one around to tell our stories to – we won’t hold on to the feelings that make us so… Anger or sadness will raise and pass like everything in life. We would just move on… Don’t you think so?
Alright, back to the subject. The point I want to make is that I don’t think that suffering and worrying actually helps. However, it steals the precious time which we could spend differently otherwise. I could’ve truly enjoyed that time in Arizona, but I chose not to. I could’ve found joy in every single day while in Texas. I regret the time spent in pity and worrying. Translating this lesson to today’s life… what if everything will work out in a way that I can not even imagine regardless of I worry or not? How stupid would be to get all you want, but beat yourself to the ground along the way just to realize that it wasn’t necessary? Haha! What an idiot! What your worries worth?
I don’t think that suffering and worrying will help you achieve anything. What if instead, I kept putting the work in and believing that things will work out? What if I remained cheerful and calm along the way, no matter how many months or years it took? What if I smiled and laughed, despite the circumstances? What if life beats me down, but I stand straight, look in the eyes and smile? C’mon is it all you’ve got?! What if I made myself believe that everything will be awesome, despite other’s people opinions? What is the worst thing that could happen if I adopted such a frame of life?
In the end, even if nothing worked out – at least I had fun.
Even if I spent my entire life living in my own illusions – I enjoyed my life.
Did I learn this lesson or just wasted more time writing and thinking about it?