I am in an angry state of mind. I am angry at myself for not being able to change my situation. I am angry at myself for not being able to figure out how to make money on my own. Please! Can anyone hire me, because I am not capable of building my own business?
I am angry that I try, and try, and try, and nothing seems to work out. I am angry at people who seem to figure it out. What do they do differently? Maybe they are simply better or smarter? If so, someone tell me – I will give up. I am weak.
I am angry at those young kids driving expensive cars. I have never had anything given to me for free. I always had to earn it. This is not fair! Why?
People around annoy me. Their shiny cars, perfect haircuts, brand new shoes… “Nice jeans Man”, I heard one guy compliment another. Of fuck, someone please kill me. I want to disappear and not see anyone.
I am angry at my body. Yes, I know how stupid it sounds, but I am. I could not lose the weight, despite my dieting and exercising. Wtf?!
I look at myself and I see a grumpy young man dressed in his sweatpants and a hoodie. Fucking homeless in the middle of Canada. What the hell are you doing? I am angry at myself and the world around me. What a miserable picture.
I continue trying and doing things. I still pursue my projects, but everything that comes out from under my hand has a signature of desperation. My work is filled with anger and agony. I look strong on the outside, but scared on the inside.
I am scared of losing freedom. I am scared of having to exchange my life for green papers. I am scared to do what other people tell me to do in exchange for money. I am scared that my life will pass unnoticed… I am scared to die without creating anything that I could be proud of or making a difference. I am scared that I will get stuck in this mindset. I am scared to realize that everybody wants the same and think the same. This means that I am not a unique snowflake, not special in any way. There is no special plan or destiny for me. Haha, it’s even funny to hear myself.
I am scared to reveal my illusions and realize that my entire life was built on my own lies. I am scared to wake up on my last day of life and realize that I spent the entire life dreaming someone else’s dreams and doing what others told me to do. I am afraid of having to confess to myself that I wasted my life and didn’t achieve anything meaningful. Is it all?
I put myself in my own prison. I create my own hell. I want, I want, I want… I want so much. I set goals. I dream. I plan how things should be. Fucking sick of myself. There is no end to it. Exhausted!
I am tired of conversations. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want to do anything… but I have to. I have to figure out how to make money. I need to eat and pay for my basic expenses.
This was a hard winter, and fall, and summer… I promise I worked hard. I attempted four businesses which didn’t lead anywhere. I spent so much time thinking. Thinking for the sake of thinking.