The Critic. The Fear Of Feelings

I am so sick and tired of this bitch-voice inside my head. The Critic.

I went into a meditation on a quest to get to know my critic. Why do you make me feel so bad? There must be a legitimate reason. Indeed, I saw myself as a teenager. The state I am currently in is the same as 15 years ago. No energy. Depression. Apathy. I saw myself laying on my bed, in my mom’s apartment and staying into the ceiling. I was living for the weekends when I would get drunk and fall into oblivion. Time spent with my friends – was the only thing that I was looking for. I was hating my reflection in the mirror. I was being afraid of criticism. I was being afraid to be left alone.

And now, the critic kept pounding.
It told me how hopeless my situation was.
It told me that there were no solutions to my miserable existence.

As a teenager, I remember thinking of suicide. I remember waking up in the morning and regretting that I did. I was feeling drained. No desire to do anything. I was always tired and could sleep for the entire day. The thought of never waking up felt like a relief. I was searching for an escape in my dreams. I was never smart enough. I was always fat in my own eyes. I was never enough. Never.

From time to time, I would accumulate enough energy for random acts of bravery to start a new good habit, start a business or leave a draining relationship. Somehow I found enough energy to escape to the USA. That was a miracle. Really.

With my Critic on my shoulders, I managed to go through many difficult things in life. It disregards it all. The Critic keeps telling me how worthless I am. How dum, weak, unskilled, fat I am. Despite all the great things I’ve accomplished – I am no good. A burden to this World.

My life goes by and I continue carrying this Bitch on my shoulders. It talks to me in the most defeating ways. It makes me believe that he is Me. It shames and manipulates me. It is abusive and violent. God, set me free from him. 

My life passes and I remain afraid. I won’t stick up for myself and fight back. I am afraid to make things worse. I forget that the voice in my head is not me. No matter what I do in life – it will never stop abusing me.

How different my life would be, without self-defeating thoughts?
How different my life would be, without constant self-criticism?

I claim my life energy back. I refuse to give it away. I have my life to live and I want to live it as a free man. Dear God, free me from this energy-sucking, abusive creature. It does not belong to me. I am different. Transform the Critic into a helper, even though he thinks that he is helping me. He does not.

The Critic takes my energy away.
The Critic makes me feel hopeless.
The Critic blocks me from feeling and living. 

He blocks me from many life experiences and great things. He won’t allow me to dream freely. He won’t allow me to open myself up. He is afraid that if let me take full responsibility for my life and ask for great experiences — they might happen. He is afraid of me becoming great. He is afraid of great success. I also know that the Critic has the best intentions for me. He wants me safe. He protects me from feeling too much. He won’t allow me to see who I could become. He keeps me feeling worthless and miserable, so I never get disappointed. He won’t let the energy flow through me, so I don’t do anything risky. 

What has happened in the past that made disappointment so intolerable? I want to know. What would happen if I gave myself permission to dream and feel deeply? I want to be completely free, at least in my dreams. What would happen if I let myself drop my guard and open up to the World. Scary. Risky. Dangerous. Life-threatening. 

Inside myself, the Inner Critic is a guard. It protects a part of me that is so scared to feel, that it would give up any chance of success out of fear of pain. It would numb itself, so it doesn’t feel anything. Deeply inside, I am so afraid to feel…

I COULD be that guy that I dreamed of becoming.
I COULD be in the top ten Ironman finishers. That’s the fact.
I COULD have an awesome, well-paying job. That’s the fact.
I COULD be in a loving relationship with beautiful and amazing women.
I COULD be living the life of my own design, BUT I choose to believe otherwise.

The Bitch voice blends with mine, making me think that it is me and it sucks all the life out of me. 

Free me up from self-limiting beliefs.
Free me up from self-criticism and self-sabotage.
Remove the blockages that prevent me from feeling, dreaming and living to the fullest.
Remove the fear that I have against living life without limits.

I want to be free. At least in my dreams and desires. Let me fly above the ceiling of my mind.

The Bitch is afraid of the feelings.

It took away my hope. 
It won’t allow me to dream. 
It took away and blocked my energy. 
It kept beating me down until I submit to it and fall into a state of depression.
Don’t have dreams. It is safer that way. Don’t hope for anything. Nothing can really hurt you when you are hopeless. Depression is a defence against feelings. It explains why highly sensitive people are more prone to suffer from depression.

As I write this, I want the Bitch know that whatever comes in my life – I can handle it. I have tools and wisdom to handle my own emotions and feelings. I am no longer a little boy. My purpose in life is to experience, learn and feel a wide variety of emotions. I want to amaze myself. I want to enjoy myself. I want to flow.

Let me take full responsibility and write my life’s script. It will be an unbelievable story.
It will have ups and downs, turns and twists. I will go through incredible experiences, feelings and emotions. I need the protective part of me to release its blocks and allow me to feel. I need the Bitch to stop blocking me from hope. I need its cooperation. Let me feel deeply. Let me live fully. And even if none of my dreams become real – I still want to try.

I can handle failure.
I can handle great success.
I can handle love.