I wanted the car. Coming out the poverty, it didn’t really matter what kind – the one with four wheels and a roof. In 2014, at the age of 22, I bought my first car – Mercedes CLK 500. It was a beauty! I could never dream that a guy like me could ever get anything like this. I was really really happy… for a week. Then: How much does the oil change cost? What is something breaks in the engine? Something rattles inside got to check it out. Someone on the parking lot hit you with a door – Shit! Happiness changed with worrying. Don’t get me wrong, I loved that car and I have a lot of good memories with it. The point is that it did not make me happier. It did not bring any change into my life.
At one point in life, I was living in Austin, Texas. I wanted to move to Phoenix, Arizona, so I can be closer to the love of my life – Alysa. Distant relationships were tough on both of us, so I thought that once I can see her every day, move closer – things will change. I will be so much happier. Out relationship will improve dramatically. Life will be easy and fulfilled with love. Wrong! I moved, but things did not change. We continued to fight…
I wanted money, lots of money. This will do the trick… I got the job. At one of the best tech companies in the World, with a six-figure salary. I had more than enough money. I was doing very challenging and interesting work. I worked as an engineer on self-driving cars. Unbelievable!
Still not. Still searching… I was getting frustrated with myself. Wtf is wrong with me?!
I want to move in with my girlfriend. We’ve been dating for 4 or 5 years at that time, so that sounded like a logical step forward. This would bring our relationship to the new level. We won’t fight as much and live in love until we die, haha! Fucking wrong! Nothing had changed. We rented an apartment – an absolutely gorgeous place in Phoenix, AZ. Heated pool, jacuzzi, brand new workout gym, gated community, movie theatres, grocery stores… everything by the hand. If interested, look it up: San Melia, Phoenix AZ.
We ended the relationship and I moved to Canada. Hated Toronto.
I need a house to live in. A big house, with a garage and backyard. A big garage for my oversized Toyota 4×4 truck and a large backyard for my small dog. A lot of space for myself, I need a room to “breathe”. My dog did not give a f*ck about the backyard. I let him out and 10 seconds later he is back, sits by the dog: Let me in! Two-story house with a finished basement – a shit load of space! Breathe! No? What’s wrong? The wrong air? Magnetic field? What is wrong with you? Why is it not making you much happier?
Travel. Travel makes people happy, so it might work for me. Entire West Coast: San Diego, Los Angeles, Malibu, San Francisco… Las Vegas, Texas, New York, France, Germany, Spain, Hawaii… Oh Hawaii! So I stand on the white sand of Hawaii and realize that nothing’s had changed in a way I felt myself and the world. Absolutely gorgeous place, but I am not much happier. Fuck! I also finished one of the toughest Ironman races on the the island. No sense of accomplishment.
What is wrong with me?
“You can never be happy!” my ex-girlfriend yelled through the tears. I know… you are totally right… Her words will stay with me for a while. I can never be happy.
Now I live in a state of the art mobile home. I have money, I have all the time in the world, I am strong and healthy. My happiness level is the same as it was 2,3,5 years ago. I’ve experienced so many things. I have achieved so much for a guy of my age. All in pursuits of the artificial goals. Like an addict I was looking for the next dose of happiness. I need more experiences, more emotions…
I came to realization that there is no happiness. No matter what you do – it will not make you happy.
NOTHING WILL RELIEVE THE PAIN AND MAKE YOU HAPPY
Maybe temporary, for a week or two. Then, go back into the same “pursuit of happiness”.
I became so much more conscious of my thoughts, feeling and emotions. I learned to name the things for what they are. I realized what my true motives were for doing certain things. Consciousness melted everything.
I now realized. I truly understand that nobody gives a f*ck about you. No one cares about your successes or failures. In fact, your success oftentimes makes other people feel shitty about themselves, so keep your mouth shut, unless they ask you. They won’t. Dude, you can have the coolest Instagram pictures – no one gives a fuck. You can have the biggest biceps or even win your local fitness competition – no one cares! You listen, but you don’t hear. You don’t understand. It’s very painful to realize.
We are all so freaking selfish. Everything we do is for ourselves. This is human nature – this is normal. Me, you and that guy – we spend every waking hour thinking only about ourselves. How about your parents? They do care… a tiny bit. They have their own shit to deal with. They gave you birth, now you are on your own. How about your wife? She loves you, doesn’t she? Haha! Yes, she loves… the way you make her feel. I won’t go deep in this and explain. You will learn it on your own. Today she loves you, tomorrow you negotiate with her layer over the money.
Neither alcohol nor drugs work anymore. Running or cycling yourself to the ground won’t help either, maybe temporary, until you wake up the next morning. Sex? Porn? Gambling? Binge eating? No-no, I know!! Writing… Yes, write down your thoughts on paper. Phycologists suggest that for their patients. Does it help? It does… while you write, but once you stop the truth gets back on you.
Still, trying to impress someone? Pictures, videos? You are a poser. You are funny. Your pictures scream: “Love me! Pay attention to me! I am important! I am unique! I deserve to be loved and appreciated!” Haha! Yes, yes – you are… just calm down.
What’s the point? Why? Why?… I’ve been asking this question for as long as I remember myself. The things that mattered to me, most of them had dissolved under the light of consciousness. I realize that I am just like a machine – performing daily tasks on autopilot. Your wishes, desires and dreams – are not even mine. I saw on social media that this is cool, so I want it, so I dream about it. Somebody once told me that six-pack abs with getting you chicks, so I bust my ass in the gym. That’s fine because it keeps you occupied. It gives you hope that once you shed that fat from your ass – life will change. This is comforting to think that there is something to strive to – just a dream. You might lose a few pounds, you will get that six-pack. Yes, you look different. It will give you joy and you will feel uplifted. First time in your life you achieved something meaningful… Few months will pass and you will ask: Is it all? What’s next? You sent so much time, sweat and tears… It is a fair exchange? Your photos don’t impress anyone anymore. In fact, there are many better-looking people than you.
You think the next position at prestige company will give the recognition and attention you deserve? Maybe a job a Google? Tesla? Amazon? HA-HA! Try.
Whom are you trying to trick? Whom are you lying, you silly panda? It’s getting funny. I love seeing you bouncing around like a hamster in a wheel. Here is a picture:
Imagine a fat hamster with a tiny pink backpack. That backpack is full of dynamite. Now imagine a white square room with no doors or windows. There is a timer on the backpack and it’s clicking. Nobody knows how long is left, but no one ever seen it last longer than 100 years. Typically it triggers around 70-80. The hamster runs in panic, from corner to corner, trying to find the exit. There is a treadmill in the middle – the career treadmill. from time to time the hamster jumps into it and runs as fast as he can. The problem is that he can not control the treadmill speed. It is controlled by someone else and oftentimes it’s not sustainable, so the poor hamster missteps, then falls on his face and gets kicked out of the wheel.
I don’t want to offend you, so I’ll say that am that hamster. I don’t know how much time is left on the timer, and I can hear it ticking behind my back. In anxiety, I look for a door, a window, a crack to escape. My be the way out is to spin that wheel as fast as I could? I heard it worked for someone. I have also heard that some just accepted the fact that a deadly load will blow their brains all over the room. They don’t run, but sit in the corner – waiting for the time to come. They will die, so what’s the point? They don’t care… about anything.
I am the one that runs. I bounce from side to side in search of meaning. There must be a way out! It must be some kind of test or a game. There must be a meaning of why I am here! The more I experience in life – the harder it is to impress me. I become indifferent to anything. I realize that I am not that special, and in fact just an average. Tik-tik – the timer continues clicking… the life goes by. What’s the point? Continue running? Continue asking? Continue worrying?
I am tired of carrying so much. I am tired of planning. What if this happens? What if not? What an anxious little hamster you are! No matter where to put you – there is never enough. There is always something that’s missing. Tik-tik detonator says…